Just failed a captcha test. Hell of a way to discover you’re a robot
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“There’s no reason to be on Twitter anymore.”
*Every other site goes down*
“Guess who’s back…back again.”
nothing better than sand between your toes at the beach, and nothing worse than sand between your toes literally anywhere else.
Him, sweaty from working out: Hey, babe, c’mere
Me: Don’t come any closer while you still have activity juice all over you
Happy thanksgiving
I did it! I found the worst thing on the internet. A combination of so much awful.
They should put barf bags in all the voting booths this year.
God grant me the witchcraft to change the things I cannot accept.
[Being kidnapped]
Me: i can feel it.. Stockholm syndrome
kidnapper: its been 10 minutes
me: should we invite your brother to the wedding?
i’m almost fully convinced that the people who design jeans have never actually seen a human body
realizing every shirt in the store is a crop top
This red flag smells like chloroformZZZ.
Church: time to come back
Me with 3 small boys: Well, OK
Church: not you
my doctor asked if it burns when I pee. I said only when it gets in my eyes.
*feels butterflies in his stomach while going on the first date*
– guess I shouldn’t have run through the garden with my mouth open.
Sometimes I get annoyed at how unreasonable my 7 year old is but then I remember that at his age my plan was to make a million dollars off “my invention” which was a bunch of fishtanks arranged in a group and connected by tubes so the fish could move around like gerbils.
My 7 year old’s Christmas wish list includes:
– a typewriter
– a boom box for his cassettes
– a book to learn cursive handwriting
– fountain pensWhat year does he live in??
[Me and coworker going for the last piece of cake]
You’d better ask yourself if you can type with one hand, Nancy from Accounting.
Spending all my money on lottery tickets so I’ll either be rich or poor, none of this wishy-washy stuff in the middle
Me: I’m exhausted
Fitbit: You have taken 11 steps today
[end of a date]
her: we should have dinner again
me: thanks but I’m full
We’ve seen a guy in a hockey mask with a machete, we’ve seen a dude put knives on his glove, but how is there no horror movie about a tiny flying baby with a bow and arrow, that shit sounds terrifying.
Tom Cruise is short for tomato filled cruise ship
Sometimes, when I think about the word ruminate, it gets embedded in my mind, and I just can’t stop thinking about it.
Take that, diet!
And that!
And that!-Me eating Oreos
Biden: Told Trump about Carter’s ghost in the West Wing
Obama: Carter is still alive
Biden: He doesn’t know that
If I had a twin, whenever someone asked which one of us was older, I’d tell them that we both came out at the exact same time.
*eating chips for breakfast at 3 pm*
I wish I had a better metabolism
I feel confident that the person who created banana Laffy Taffy had never even seen a banana.
On this day eleven years ago, Greece won Euro 2004.
Today, Greece would be happy with 2004 Euros.
I’ve done the math, and 97% of people who “light up a room” get murdered.