Just finished a 5k. It took me 4 days and was filled with snacks and naps but at least I finished.
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accurate
I don’t always go outside but when I do I hit my forehead really hard on a shelf to make sure I look like an idiot.
My 6yo asks me the most random questions. Today he asked “who do you think is the most rememberalist in our family?” I’m not even the most understanderalist at the moment, but I’m definitely the most confusededist.
[tries a new move during sex to keep things interested]
wife: did you just dab
Yoga Matt
men only want 1 thing. women only want 7 things. babies only want 53 things. dogs only want 633 things. flamingos refuse to divulge how many things they want
If they tweet about you, establish dominance by retweeting them.
Office printers are like predators that can smell stress.
sticking my hand out the car window while driving, for science
Bought a bag of Sweetheart candies & cracked my tooth on one.When I spit it out & looked at it,itsaid “Next time call when you say you will”
“I’m taking a social media break.”
– People who will be back in 7 minutes.
*primitive gungans defeat battle droids*
*Stone Age ewoks beat elite stormtroopers*
*improbable underdog story defeats logic and reason*
God: you’re a dove.
Dove: ok.
God: do you know what that means?
Dove: white pigeon?
God: what-no it means I’ve chosen you to represent my Holy Spirit.
Dove: [scared] g-ghost pigeon?
Me: *mouth full* When pizza’s on a bagel, you can eat pizza anytime.
Widow: I still think you could have waited until after the service.
I think it would be totes adorbz if I throat punched you the next time you say ‘totes adorbz’
Pronouncing baked like naked and naked like baked until someone hits me with a folding chair
Toothpaste sure knows how to ruin whatever you’re drinking.
My loaf of bread looks terrified
angel: so this birth thing should probably be as simple as possible
god: yeah i was thinking we start with an army of tiny genetic ghost tadpoles that live in the balls
angel: ok first question why
god: wait i’m not finished
Will I ever see the word “antipasta” on a menu and not think on dumb reflex “wow, pasta’s nemesis”
I am one “Mom!” away from making the 6 o’clock news.
Me: it’s not you, I just don’t like talking on the phone, I’m super awkward oh god, u think I’m weird for saying that don’t u
911 operator: ma’am is he still stabbing u
HADES: what happens when Aphrodites hair gets frizzy?
ZEUS: don’t-
HADES: i guess u could call her AFROdite
ZEUS: this is why we banished u
In ocean’s eleven one guy’s job was to give a suitcase to somebody and he got the same amount of money as the guy who had to do acrobatics inside a vault
*record scratch*
Me: Yeah, that’s me. You’re probably wondering how I ended up in this situatio…
Crowd: Boooo! Damn this dj suuuuucks
me *choking*
dog *grabs the sandwich I dropped and brings it to her bed*
I’m not sure where you ladies go to learn how to argue, but that place is good
You look busy, I’m just gonna interrupt you anyways
– People who apparently want to go missing
Welcome to your 50s. You used to be a lot taller.
The best part of Robocop is when they spent billions of dollars making a cyborg super soldier instead of helping Detroit not be awful.