Just finished a 5k. It took me 4 days and was filled with snacks and naps but at least I finished.

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Asked hubs to pick up tampons. Love doin that shit. Also said I needed super, light, long, short, orange ones so he’ll have to ask someone.


Unsure if you want kids or not? My son told me he throws the grapes that “look funny” behind the couch and I just found his secret pile of rotting fruit.


“You are what you eat”?
I don’t remember eating a giant disappointment.


WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady who’s baby I stole.


Brain: She’s cute, talk to her…

Me: but what should I say?

Brain: ask her if she likes meat…

Me: What?

Brain: c’mon man, do it…


I learned a few things in Twitter Jail last night.

1. My wife’s name

2. How to make a shank from a phone charger

3. I need Twitter


The nice thing about a garage sale is having people pay you to haul your junk away.