@envydatropic

Just finished a 5k. It took me 4 days and was filled with snacks and naps but at least I finished.

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@prasdelo

Asked hubs to pick up tampons. Love doin that shit. Also said I needed super, light, long, short, orange ones so he’ll have to ask someone.

@mom_needsalife

Unsure if you want kids or not? My son told me he throws the grapes that “look funny” behind the couch and I just found his secret pile of rotting fruit.

@panTdropper

“You are what you eat”?
I don’t remember eating a giant disappointment.

@Dawn_M_

WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady who’s baby I stole.

@BoothysTweets

Brain: She’s cute, talk to her…

Me: but what should I say?

Brain: ask her if she likes meat…

Me: What?

Brain: c’mon man, do it…

@OakHill_

I learned a few things in Twitter Jail last night.

1. My wife’s name

2. How to make a shank from a phone charger

3. I need Twitter

@ddsmidt

The nice thing about a garage sale is having people pay you to haul your junk away.