Just finished a show and in need of new entertainment so imma ask the hubs what one thing does he wish he could change about me
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*Someone sends me a 4 minute video*
me: [42 seconds later] wow that’s so awesome thanks for sharing!
Is it cheating to ask the Ouija board for Worlde answers?
sky writing doesn’t always have to be positive, come on people
Glad my car insurance company requires a 10 character password to log-in. Wouldn’t want someone to hack in and…pay my insurance bill
I wear a stethoscope so that in a medical emergency I can teach people a valuable lesson about assumptions.
Failed Pickup Lines:
“Baby, my memory may be selective but I’m not.”
We talk a big game for a species that has a favourite cup
My Boss: Are you with me so far?
Me *nodding* : Yes.
*Narrator: He had not, in fact, been with his Boss for some time.
wife: Feeling better?
me: Yeah
wife: Kind of overreacted to a cold didn’t you?
[flashback to me calling the Make-A-Wish Foundation]
me: No
Me: I’m not the same person I was when you met me.
Him: we met six seconds ago.
Hotel California is basically a negative Yelp review with a two minute guitar solo.
This chick last night told me to do her like her ex husband so I drained her bank accounts and banged her sister
[On phone to police]
Has there been a report of a pervert in the park?P: No, there hasn’t.
Me: oh good.
[Goes back to hiding in bushes]
If you people would’ve used a little more alizarin crimson like Bob Ross told you to, none of this would be happening right now
Dog: When are we going for a walk?
Me: Just let me finish my sandwich*Dog steals and eats my sandwich
Dog: Okay, I’m ready
Hello 911? I was doing that thing where you pretend to walk down stairs behind a couch only it worked. I have no idea where I am. Help me.
“One of you will betray me” is such a dramatic thing to say at dinner????
keep scrolling I’ve got nothing.
I’m at a hockey game and the players weren’t really trying but then a guy 5 rows up yelled “come on” and then they tried harder.
me: *throwing rocks at the window of a girl I like*
flight attendant: STOP THAT
You probably need to be having sex prior to claiming you have a safe word.
Went to put some milk in my coffee this morning only to realize my kids drank it all. They leave me no choice.
Baileys it is.
*spits out mouthful of blood* it’s gonna take more than that to kill me
Dentist: for the love of God just floss
I told the 8 year old that Taylor Swift is apparently dating a football player and she goes “oh man, she’s gonna write a breakup song about how he was just playing games”
How to grab a women’s attention:
1. Be a glass of wine.
Just because I’m Irish doesn’t mean I am always drunk. It means I always want to be.
At my funeral, please make my dead body do the ‘walking down stairs behind a couch’ into the grave
A conspiracy board but for when we are trying to figure out what we want for dinner.
18: That dress makes you look like Minnie Mouse.
Me: Thank you.
doctor’s receptionists when you ask them to book you an appointment which is literally their job