Just finished leg day with my new trainer and now I need to replace the stairs in my house with an elevator. Or shower in the kitchen sink?

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The cops say I have to stop trying to fist fight the guy who tries to feed my house letters everyday.


GOD: i’m going to tell you the name by which you may call me throughout all generations

MOSES: no way

GOD: yahweh

MOSES: ok so what is it


“Honey, I’m pregnant”
“Are you kidding me?”
“That’s another way of saying it, I guess, yeah”


(Sigh) I thought “The Scarlet Letter” was a book about red stationery….


Give your kid a phone so they can call in case of an emergency or tell you what they want to be for Halloween or say they saw a squirrel or


How come Yoko Ono didn’t marry someone from Nickleback instead?


The awkward moment when you say, “I love you,” then the pizza delivery guy says, “That’ll be $12.46, please.”


*tree falls in forest, quickly stands up and looks around to see if anybody heard it, brushes self off*


I hate it when I’m on twitter & there isn’t a car behind me to honk when the light is green.


Life can be compared to a ‘Choose your own adventure’ book.

Sometimes there’s a happy ending; sometimes you get eaten by a bear.