
The cops say I have to stop trying to fist fight the guy who tries to feed my house letters everyday.
Just finished leg day with my new trainer and now I need to replace the stairs in my house with an elevator. Or shower in the kitchen sink?
The cops say I have to stop trying to fist fight the guy who tries to feed my house letters everyday.
GOD: i’m going to tell you the name by which you may call me throughout all generations
MOSES: no way
GOD: yahweh
MOSES: ok so what is it
“Honey, I’m pregnant”
“Are you kidding me?”
“That’s another way of saying it, I guess, yeah”
(Sigh) I thought “The Scarlet Letter” was a book about red stationery….
Give your kid a phone so they can call in case of an emergency or tell you what they want to be for Halloween or say they saw a squirrel or
How come Yoko Ono didn’t marry someone from Nickleback instead?
The awkward moment when you say, “I love you,” then the pizza delivery guy says, “That’ll be $12.46, please.”
*tree falls in forest, quickly stands up and looks around to see if anybody heard it, brushes self off*
I hate it when I’m on twitter & there isn’t a car behind me to honk when the light is green.
Life can be compared to a ‘Choose your own adventure’ book.
Sometimes there’s a happy ending; sometimes you get eaten by a bear.