Just finished my first painting.
Tasted awful.
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And on the eighth day, God let the dogs out. And there was much confusion among the Baha Men.
Whoa 😂
Sorry, can’t. I looked away while my child was in the middle of an hour long run-on story and now he has to start all over.
After spending 20 minutes trying to get my girlfriends bra off, I decided to give up.
I wish I’d never put it on in the first place..
I’ll burn that bridge when I get there.
What does the Tooth Fairy do with all those teeth?
She sell them to Big Toothpaste. They mash them up and tube it. So when you brush you’re putting teeth back onto your teeth.
The 5th dentist knows this but no one will listen.
ME: *barging into office* Now hear me out
DENTIST: You again? No I can’t make your teeth taste like chips
ME: *being carried out by 2 hygienists* CAN’T OR WON’T
Imagine being a frog and someone kisses you and you turn into a prince so then you have to marry that person even though you straight up know she kisses frogs.
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever is chasing me
[Antiques Roadshow]
When this was first painted, the wolves were much further in the background. I would sell it before they reach the frame
today a banana gave me heartburn and all i’m saying is m&ms don’t do that shit
I love that sexy thing you do, what’s it called again? Oh yeah, me.
Why did the skeleton go to the barbecue?
To get another rib.
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
I need an app that after the third time I press the snooze button, my phone pours cold water on my face.
The #NSA walks into a bar. Bartender: “Got a new joke for you.” NSA: “Heard it.”
Telling my kids they can only have one fruit snack per day while I have 400 per day in secret.
me: my fish is very dry
waiter: yes, we had to take him out of the water
me: smart
A marinara trench sounds nice tbh
All I’m saying is no one ever country westerns you like a hurricane.
DON’T make this weird…
(I whisper in your ear, as I pet your eyebrows)
The news
A police man came up to me with a sniffer dog and said, “This dog tells me you’re on drugs.”
“I’m on drugs? You’re the one talking to dogs”
In 2004 I took one bite of a Nature Valley granola bar in my car, and I’m still finding crumbs today.
“Watch this guy slap himself in the face.” -mosquito
“Who let the dogs out” they ask. “No idea” I say. They let me go. As I walk away from the police station my limp slowly disappears.
Brie is my favorite cheese that sounds like a white girl you meet for a mani/pedi while drinking Chardonnay & quoting “Mean Girls.”
[first day as an art thief]
Me: (pointing gun at sculpture) give me your money
MTV canceled Teen Mom, so it’s like they had those babies for nothing.