Just finished my taxes and it looks like I’ll be able to afford that vacation to the Outback…steakhouse that is.
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I accidentally put on my dad’s deodorant this morning and now I’m walking around offering people hard candy and asking “Working hard or hardly working?”
I went to school with a girl named
Nonstick CookingSprayWe tried calling her Pam …
but it didn’t stick.
[arguing with friend about chemistry]
*cop walks up* do we have a problem here?
Me: No. We will find a solution once you argon, officer.
*watches him dance*
*whispers* I’ve made a huge mistake.
If I could be in two places at once, I’d be in bed twice.
ANT: hey did you find any food to bring back to the queen?
SUPER FAT ANT: the who?
HER: You look so nervous.
ME: *nervously* HA. I’m never nervous.
HER: You’re sweating.
ME: *just freaking out* That’s bravery moisture.
I haven’t exaggerated in over 370 years.
I bought a lamp made from citrus fruit, but refuse to use it.
I’m trying to avoid the limelight.
[ from bed ]
*accio coffee*
damnit it didn’t work again
You’re not impressing anyone, server who didn’t write down our orders. You’re just making us anxious.
My 4 year old thought it was pretty cool that Simba could do whatever he wanted after Mufasa died. This is concerning.
My proctologist gave me two thumbs up. Which I did not appreciate.
Forgive me father for I have sinned, it’s been 25 yrs since my last confession, I sure hope you’re seated comfortably.
Damn he played himself
If I were rich, I’d have big soft monogrammed towels for when I bathe at the gas station.
If you want to hear an elderly couple arguing for 2 hrs about whether they closed their garage door, go to a movie at 11AM on a weekday.
TRUTHFUL TUESDAY:
When my son was 7 he pissed me off so badly I pressed all the elevator buttons knowing every new rider would blame him.
Please, sir, my system. It’s very nervous.
Not saying the service in a café yesterday was slow, but on the back of the menu it said they opened in 1874, and there was a picture of me ordering my cup of tea
If you like being used as a giant Kleenex, working with young children may be right for you.
Me: I like naughty girls
Baby daughter: *pukes on the floor*
Me: Not you
People don’t exchange taxidermy gifts as much anymore
I joined my 5yo in Roblox and after she was done giving my avatar a tour of her house, she followed my avatar into the bathroom because she didn’t want it to be lonely. Apparently no version of me gets privacy in the bathroom.
Nothing makes you feel more like a genius than answering incorrectly to your kid’s interactive tv show…
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape of an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
Banana is the quietest snack
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
I’ve reached the age where good or bad news from friends produce the same reaction: I should make them a casserole. I have officially become my grandmother.
God returns to his desk with a midnight snack. He squints at a video feed of Earth. The plate of nachos falls to the floor in slow motion.