Just finished reading my first grade students’ attempts at narrative writing. One student wrote about the “dinosaurs who lived a long time ago in 1990.”
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It’s 100% legal to give cops the finger. But remember, it’s also apparently 100% legal for them to shoot and kill you.
Personal Trainer: No pain, no gain
Me: Deal
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
Sex but instead of moaning she yells YAAAAHAHAHOOOEEYYY like Goofy does evey time he falls
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
On the toilet for 20 minutes. Wish you were here.
Spending a lazy afternoon methodically eating the plastic flowers from the vase in the hotel lobby
[A montage of me flailing because I walked into a spiders web, with larger and larger crowds, until I am at the karate championships]
“I know she told me to buy Tampax, but I’ll buy the store brand that’s on sale instead.”
The last thoughts of a man who’s about to die.
My kid just asked me to help with her art project and I said “aw, why did you choose me?” and she said “because you suck at math”
[Girl over my house]
“My ex boyfriend had this weird one-man-band thing. You dont, right?”
[Unclipping my harmonica holder]
Def not.
Whatever you say to someone, do it while slowly landscaping a tiny zen garden to really bring it home.
Doc: I have bad news about your test results
Me: oh man did I fail
Doc: not that kind of test
Me: so I passed?
Doc: no but you will in a week
Friend 1: I love dry shampoo; it’s so simple!
F2: no water
F3: no chemicals
Me: Your hair is filthy.
fall is almost here time to pull out the flannel condoms
I’m not straight up gangster but I’m working on improving my posture.
Have a teen so when she’s five minutes late for Cross Country practice, it’s your fault for driving the “long way.” Nevermind practice started at 6:00, and she got into the car at 6:01. Those details are irrelevant.
Failed my wasp collection exam. Got a bee.
ME: welcome home John Wick
JOHN WICK: thanks roomie. How’s my tamagotchi?
ME: *starts sweating profusely*
[burying my father at sea]
Why isn’t this shovel working?
“Can I buy you a drink?”
Sure! What’s your name?
“Uhh. I don’t know. I never get this far”
You don’t know your name?
*sweats* Pants are cool
i just ate a disturbing amount of hummus. my apologies to my dog.
All I’m saying is nothing is more annoying than people who ask “Why do you let them annoy you?”
During a public forum, an audience member angrily called me a “stupid ***hole” and immediately others defended me yelling in response, “He’s not stupid!”
Welcome to Condescending Club. Even an idiot would know the 1st rule. If not, you want paaaatronizing club. You know what that is, riiiight?
WOMAN NAMED CATHY: my name is cathy
ME: ah yes short for catheter i presume
Welcome to adulthood. Your body now crackles like a carnival glow stick when you get up.
Dentist: I would like the fish sandwich, please.
Server: Tartar sauce?
Dentist: *eyes narrow*
One time my teacher was telling a story about war and the girl in front of me slowly opened her laptop and liked Downy on Facebook.
[parking lot in the 80’s]
*man appears to be having a heart attack*
MY GRANDMA: calm down everyone, i know VCR
ME: that’s great, grandma. now he can record the shows he’s missing when he’s dead