Just finished reading the Declaration of Independence to my kids, and they went to live with their dad
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I feel like my relationship with the Walking Dead started so great and we had some good times but now we’re only staying together for the kids.
My house is cleaner than it’s ever been and given that no one is allowed to come over to see it you’ll just have to take my word for it
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
Damn. Just made a joke about hieroglyphics, but I probably should have read the room first.
These eyebrows are not my children but I will certainly raise them
We’re actual apes on a rock hurling through space right now, and that’s why I’m not giving you my email to buy this
*mom puts teen’s clean clothes at bottom of the stairs*
Mom meaning: Take up stairs, put away
Teen meaning: Obstacle course on the stairs!
guys you should DM random girls shit like
“I heard the queen died and I got rly worried something happened to u, babe”
Sweetie if I was fake, I would pretend to be someone awesome and not a lonely weirdo.
[at my funeral]
boss : you’re LATE
What Harry Potter house am I in?! I am a SERIOUS and MATURE adult.
So Ravenclaw.
Me: it was my grandmother’s ring
Her: *gasp* it’s beautiful
Me: and this is my mother’s wedding dress
Her: your… your family is okay with you trick or treating in that?
Death: your time has come.
Me: no! not now!
Death: yes now.
Me: but… I have to poop?
Death: ……damn it. Go on then.
Me: wow that actually worked.
My toddler: *nods sagely*
Before I had a dog I never realized how much chicken was on the sidewalk
oh that’s just my emotional support rolled up carpet in the trunk, officer
my daughter was wearing a flannel hoodie so I said “hey, the 90’s called” and she replied “yeah cause they couldn’t text” and godDAMMIT I’m getting really tired of my kids owning me
After buying my limousine, I couldn’t afford a driver.
All that money and nothing to chauffer it.
Read an article that said Google is making us dumber. whatever, I’ve always used Google and I’m super [googles synonym for smart] able.
Caregiver and caretaker mean the same thing?
That’s bullshit.
Damn girl clean ur room before u paint a selfie
My kid: I want my ears pierced!
Me: Not yet
Her: You’re Not The Boss Of Me!
Me: I grew your ears inside my body
Even after seeing all of the Jurassic Park movies I still feel like a dinosaur theme park sounds like a really good idea
Me: I missed you
Sharon: Awww, that’s sweet
Me: Don’t duck this time (throws another hammer)
The spaghetti scene in Lady and the Tramp is adorable, but it would never work with humans. Nobody wants to see two dogs sharing a plate of humans.
kinda feel like the bridge overreacted
I can’t even tell you how much I would not enjoy this
Airlines will call themselves Air France then fly from Costa Rica to Germany
[dollar tree]
CASHIER: i’m sorry sir but we don’t actually sell trees that grow dollars
ME: get me the manager
Only shaving the parts of my legs where the holes in my jeans show skin isn’t lazy, it’s efficient