Just finished up some dusting. And by dusting I mean I blew on a shelf and then sneezed 6 times in a row.
You Might Also Like
“My kazoo!!!!” is apparently the 6 year-old version of finding $20 in the pocket of your winter coat from last year.
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
On the way to school this morning:
5yo: “Mom, stop singing along to this song.”
Me: “What? Why can’t I sing?”
5yo: “Because if you keep singing like that, I won’t like this song anymore.”
me: I’m going to kill the moon
dude: the moon is flat
me: I’m going to kill the moon and flat-mooners
You have to PAY for a speeding ticket?! I thought it was a reward for beating other drivers..
If elected I will pour out three fingers of scotch and fill the bottle back up with water so my dad doesn’t notice.
waiter: what would you like for breakfast?
me: toast
waiter: that’s weird but ok
[taps glass with fork]
waiter: i only just met this man but i can already tell he is a great guy, here is to new friends. [raises glass] to friends
Me: so I’ve been a little unclear regarding everything you’ve asked me to do since Monday
Boss: Jesus
Me: let me finish. In February. 2011.
I need some sun. My legs are so white they just drove to Whole Foods in their Prius.
love it when you say or do some common sense thing and the other person has “file not found” written all over their face
In a dog eat dog world, the chocolate lab is the most delicious, yet poisonous of all breeds.
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance
doctor: m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how to spell it
my dad: [rising up from behind couch]
the new ppl that live in that house now: wtf
Dear woman I saw jog down a busy street, run into a liquor store, buy two bottles of wine, and then jog back home,
Come back to me.
[introductions at a party]
Me: this is my first wife
Her: and current wife
Me: and these are her kids
Her: they’re also his
Me: we keep it friendly
Her: on account of we’re still married
Me: and I love these kids like they’re my own
Her: because they are
Never bring a bag of cement to a pillow fight.
Unless you want to win.
Sorry I’m late, there was an octopus throwing pies at me so I was literally… Occupied
I was playing outside with my kids and I tried to jump over something because I forgot I’m 40 anyways who wants to sign my cast?
I hope you catch the bouquet at my funeral.
“I am inspiring” -Russian guy who’s about to get kicked out of his spy ring
Being a spider has got to be pretty stressful because anything bigger than you is either going to run away screaming or murder you immediately.
[seeing a picture of myself]
Revolting. Burn it
[hearing a recording of my voice]
Awful. Grating
[seeing my tweets]
Genius. A blessing to this world
You make me want to be a better home and garden.
me: *eating burrito* so how do I die?
psychic: ok I’ll tell you
me: *eating third burrito* don’t you need to use your crystal ball?
psychic: no I’m pretty confident
[on a date]
*wonders if she’ll steal my fries while I use the restroom*
*shakes Magic 8 ball*
“YES”
*takes plate of fries with me*
Ever since I had my fingerprints taken for employment, I often sit at my desk gazing off in the distance, reflecting over the opportunity of an exciting life of crime lost by accepting this job.
Him: I got in a fender bender, coming out of the grocery store.
Me: Everything’s intact?
Him: I’m fi…
Me: Chips, cookies, stuff like that?
When libraries troll their patrons.
ME: Why are my eyes itchy?
WebMD: Eye bees
6 yo: I’m getting bigger, this house won’t fit me much longer.