Just for fun, I think I’ll get fitted for a casket and just use it as a coffee table until the big day comes.
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-Knock Knock!
-Who is it?
-The love of your life.
– 🙂 Really?
-Hahahaha no, it’s the pizza you ordered.
My kid told her teacher that we were late because her Mom had to poop and I see why some animals eat their young.
“Hi, its Mom, you may remember me from such hits as ‘Stop Licking That!’, ‘Why Am I Sticky?’, and ‘What Smells Like Pickles?’” -Future me leaving voicemails for my kids
Hey gang, let’s talk about what has gone right today.
Ok, good talk. See you tomorrow.
Why does Africa get better animals than us? It’s like Africa woke up at dawn and went straight to the animal-picking office, and then all the other continents stumbled in hung over at noon.
I want to be rich enough to leave the house-sitter notes like: “If the cheetah looks bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch Friends.”
The red haired guy in the bakery
doesn’t like being called…
‘The Ginger Bread Man’*lesson learned
1 mojito, 2 mojitos, 3 mojittos, 4 mojjitus, 5 mogytus, 6 mujhitosos, 7 mojhgbvftos, 8 modfgtrescos
My grandpa used to whip us grankids with his belt, but I know he did it out of love: he really loved whipping children.
absolutely not
My tax refund was so big that I didn’t even have to dilute my body wash with water this month.
very rude of my sister to give birth to twins on the same day we think might be my cats birthday. richard’s spotlight will not be robbed.
take the quarantine challenge!
come out the other side with the same number of children you had going in: don’t make any new ones,
don’t lose any on purpose in the woods
Me: “Wanna see something cool?”
*places piping hot bowl of soup into refrigerator
The 4th little pig built his house into a windmill. The wolf huffed and puffed and generated enough power to last the whole winter.
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
Egg drop soup
Egg clumsy
Egg bad waiter
Egg fired again
Egg turn to life of crime
Saw an ad for a supplement that said it adds years on to your life. This life? Are we talking about the same one?
[accidentally makes eye contact with someone] Oh my God, I am so sorry. Are you OK?
If you’re going to the hospital for a covid-19 test make sure you bring with you a valid form of identification along with a printout of your IMDB page and/or your Basketball Reference stats
don’t go chasing waterfalls? the place where many video games hide easter eggs and other rare items??
Ted Danson but only if Ted Drinken
Her:
*puts cherry stem in mouth
*pulls it out with a knot
*winksHim:
*puts earbuds in pocket
*pulls it out with 5 knots
*doesn’t get laid
A car pool is an extravagant waste of water.
[pitching my invention of liquid chicken nuggets]
CEO: so you just drink them?
ME: *pulls a needle and syringe out of my briefcase* think bigger
(I am 6 months pregnant)
Me after ordering my coffee:
Stranger at Starbucks: you know you should be drinking decaf when you’re pregnant.
Me: I’m… not pregnant.
Stranger: (horrified) I am so, so sorry!
And that’s what you get for giving unsolicited advice.
me: [trying to sound cool] I’m in a punk band
cute co-worker: that’s cool. What the band’s name?
me: [looking over desk for ideas] Inbox(29)
me other days of the year: amazon is evil
me on prime day: holy shit 70% off??
[job int]
“& what are your strengths.”
Me: lions
“Lions?”
Me: I’ll take [lion walks by the office] I- [quietly] I’ll take on any lion
My New Year’s resolutions:
1. Stop making lists.
B. Be more consistent.
7. Learn to count.