just found a grappling hook in my new apartment. now i have to backtrack to my childhood home so i can access the previously unreachable attic
You Might Also Like
My daughter forgot her gym uniform at home. When I arrived at her school to drop it off, I realized I also forgot the uniform.
I see where she gets it from.
My daughter informed me in another life she would have been a courtesan or a serial killer…
I asked why not both? And she replied, good point…
…a woman shouldn’t have to give up her hobby for her career.
Dude, I know this is Sparta. There’s like a huge sign at the front gates. Why are you yelling at me?
sheep: hey give me my jeans back
wolf: no I need them for this idiom
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: You’ve already written no
Doctor: I just looked at you and made a guess
Me: well let me tell you, it was a good guess
Welcome to middle age.
Don’t bother looking at the weather forecast; your joints will let you know when it’s going to rain.
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
Looking back to my days as a teacher, the best part was always summer.
Breaking News. Apple is to buy Ireland to solve the debt problem. It will be rebranded iLand
ROBIN: sorry batman I put a huge dent in the batmobile
HARVEY: *from passenger seat* wow i’m on a diet ok
The joy you get as a parent when you buy a big pizza and garlic bread to share, but they don’t like it! 😍😍
My call has been first in line for nine minutes; I won’t be surprised if the next available representative tells me I have to call a different number.
Getting out of bed in the morning always gave me a headache until I tried it feet first.
Associate at the genius bar at the apple store: hi, how may i help you?
me, plunking my laptop down on the table: i can’t find the lowercase numbers!
it’s been 12 years since Shrek came out, I still can’t get over the fact that Donkey had sex with a dragon..
me: i’m a writer
them: oh! what do you write?
me: mostly emails
My 4yo brought his Woody doll to the store and was swinging it around. I told him loudly to stop hitting people with his Woody. Parenting.
Remember, it’s not a real paleo diet unless you’re eating mammoth every day.
{Father & son fishing}
DAD: Son, I don’t say this nearly enough…
SON: *smiles* Yeah?
DAD: …I used to practice kissing on your Aunt Kim.
…a dentist on a toothpaste commercial with stethoscope around neck…, if my dentist started to listen to my heart I would freak out.
Italian names sound delicious. Even Mussolini, sounds like a fried cheese that ends up oppressing your digestive process. #Italians
New to Twitter cheat sheet:
AVI – profile pic
TL – timeline
DM – direct message
TC – twitter crush
WTF – everything else
If you aren’t happy single, you won’t be happy taken. Real happiness comes from The Cheesecake Factory, not relationships.
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
Her: Mommy, why does this peanut butter jar say “contains peanuts?”
Me: Because idiots, sweetheart.
Maine is beautiful and calm.
Stephen King: Hold my balloon.
Mom: why are your eyes dilated
Me: your eyes dilate up to 45% when you look at something you love
Mom: what were you looking at
Me: memes
[Controversial and unpopular statement]