@TheAlexNevil When your teen is already bigger than you are…
@StruggleDisplay Just found a tiny box full of kids teeth hidden under my sink…dear god I hope these are from my children
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@TheAlexNevil 
@cULTMOTHER told my boyfriend I was going to start my period and he said, “AGAIN??”
it’s like, you know what, you’re right, I’m cancelling my subscription.
@HomeWithPeanut 4-year-old: Can I have some water?
Me: Any more water & you could have an accident while sleeping.
4: Ok, then some juice should be fine.
@sarcasticmommy4 If you’re not sure about having kids, have someone say “Mom!” 100 times before 7am & see if it’s right for you.
@PinkCamoTO Day 302 of my husband and I both working from home:
Me: *tapes note to microwave reminding coworkers to PLEASE CLEAN UP SPILLS THIS MICROWAVE IS FOR THE WHOLE OFFICE
@MarieColette Get a hair cut, run away without paying. They can’t chase you because they’re holding scissors. The perfect crime.
@skittle624 I just want to be as happy as the couple described in the first five minutes of any Dateline episode.
@TheBoydP Welcome to your 50s where the weekend means it’s time to try a new vodka and a new chainsaw at the same time.
@sliver_of “No, no, I’m fine. This is how I live now.”
-Me laying face down on the floor
@KentWGraham I’m glad they call themselves attorneys-at-law. I wouldn’t want to accidently hire an attorney-at-baking or an attorney-at-pottery.