Just found a tiny box full of kids teeth hidden under my sink…dear god I hope these are from my children

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told my boyfriend I was going to start my period and he said, “AGAIN??”

it’s like, you know what, you’re right, I’m cancelling my subscription.


4-year-old: Can I have some water?

Me: Any more water & you could have an accident while sleeping.

4: Ok, then some juice should be fine.


If you’re not sure about having kids, have someone say “Mom!” 100 times before 7am & see if it’s right for you.


Day 302 of my husband and I both working from home:

Me: *tapes note to microwave reminding coworkers to PLEASE CLEAN UP SPILLS THIS MICROWAVE IS FOR THE WHOLE OFFICE


Get a hair cut, run away without paying. They can’t chase you because they’re holding scissors. The perfect crime.


I just want to be as happy as the couple described in the first five minutes of any Dateline episode.


Welcome to your 50s where the weekend means it’s time to try a new vodka and a new chainsaw at the same time.


“No, no, I’m fine. This is how I live now.”

-Me laying face down on the floor


I’m glad they call themselves attorneys-at-law. I wouldn’t want to accidently hire an attorney-at-baking or an attorney-at-pottery.