@Rich_McCarthy

Just found all my fan letters to Wolverine my wife “promised” she mailed stuffed behind the couch. I’m livid.

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@sofarrsogud

[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Hulk hands at home tomorrow

@msred1973

My best relationship advice: Make sure you’re the crazy one.

@PantsDonkey

Everyone please stop saying that today’s date only happens once. EVERY date only happens once, that’s how time works.

@WilliamAder

Apparently people will pay to be subjected to medieval torture devices if you call the place a “gym.”

@mrtruthandsoul

Reporter: How do you feel that your proposal was turned down by Congress?

Obama: Well, I’ve alw–

Biden: [grabs mic] TURNED DOWN FOR WHAT?

@ericsshadow

My wife reads two books a week and I just told my son that an idiom is a group of idiots.

@OhNoSheTwitnt

If you watch Beauty & the Beast backwards a grown man devolves into a monster then into a petulant little boy. It’s basically Twitter.

@envydatropic

I’m just a girl standing here wishing I was as thin as my patience

@HaeJi_Cho

My mom is terrified of how fast I drive on the freeway, so I’m preparing a soothing little playlist for when she comes to visit in a few weeks