Just found all my fan letters to Wolverine my wife “promised” she mailed stuffed behind the couch. I’m livid.
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A few years back a guy in law school asked me how much for a foot massage and being the idiot I am, thought he was asking how much I paid for reflexology so I said “I pay $50 plus a tip but my guy is booked for the next 3 months” and he didn’t talk to me again until 2L year
A romcom where I go to stop you at the airport, except I go to Cinnabon & then forget why I’m at the airport.
My quest began, passing through the forest of enlightenment, ascending the mount of discovery, galloping over the fields of ruin, and I reached the sacred place. Why is the taco bell toilet so far from the serving area anyway
Boss: Can you look this up?
Me: (munching on donut) Internet’s closed.
Boss: Oh.
Me: Yeah, I think they’re vacuuming it or something.
date: so what do you do?
me: *doing a huge amount of karate* adderall
I’m so glad I didn’t spread that out over the last three weeks in doable chunks but instead chose to cram it like a madwoman into 24 hours.
-My thought process, apparently, when tackling a deadline
Get off of twitter and pay attention to me
Netflix, probably
I can turn a case of beer into a drunk man. Your move, Jesus.
I’m not a jealous person, unless of course you have coffee and I don’t.
Nobody said you have to like your colleagues.
But apparently there are some explicit rules about poisoning them.
sandra bullock is a menace oh my god 😭
*Puts air guitar back in air case* “Listen if you wanted a “real guitarist” maybe you should put that in the ad!”
Using my dog as a shield, but just to absorb the slobber from my other dog.
If I had a time machine I’d bring all the Home Depot skeletons I could find to the Victorian age and surround a village with them while they all slept
Me: *just trying to pick up my groceries in peace*
7: can I have a plastic ax? I promise I won’t hit you with it.
Whenever someone says they have “a thing” for me, I secretly hope it’s a pony.
– So tell me about your date.
– It was ok. He’s a Detective Inspector, currently working undercover in a butcher’s.
– Sounds a bit dull.
– Yeah but there’s more to him than meats DI.
One of my biggest fears is going to America and asking for a biscuit only to be presented with some weird scone type thing and gravy
Me: okay I have pizza, wings, nacho dip, mozza…
Him: hell yes, Super Bowl Sunday!
Me *mouth full of food*: uper ol wat?
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
i mean yes babe u look so prety yes u do
batman is not a cool as u
*brings cake to bed for an after sex treat*
Me: want a piece?
Her: wrong, whole.
i really liked this one
I only had a few friends before I got on Twitter.
Now I don’t have any.
*cleaning Dorito dust off of a crayon drawing of Spongebob* yeah I restore art
Sometimes if I trip on a crack I act like it’s no biggie by breaking into a jog and don’t stop until I’m in a new city with a new life.
Cowboy: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us
ME: I’ll be staying indoors almost all the time
Cowboy: ok cool
Can’t. Being lazy.
This is hilarious….
People are so fake how can you love your newborn baby when you met it like 2 minutes ago and don’t know anything about it
“You crazy kids sure get one hell of a sweet tooth during Halloween” I say pouring maple syrup into their bags…