Just found all my fan letters to Wolverine my wife “promised” she mailed stuffed behind the couch. I’m livid.

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[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Hulk hands at home tomorrow


My best relationship advice: Make sure you’re the crazy one.


Everyone please stop saying that today’s date only happens once. EVERY date only happens once, that’s how time works.


Apparently people will pay to be subjected to medieval torture devices if you call the place a “gym.”


Reporter: How do you feel that your proposal was turned down by Congress?

Obama: Well, I’ve alw–

Biden: [grabs mic] TURNED DOWN FOR WHAT?


My wife reads two books a week and I just told my son that an idiom is a group of idiots.


If you watch Beauty & the Beast backwards a grown man devolves into a monster then into a petulant little boy. It’s basically Twitter.


I’m just a girl standing here wishing I was as thin as my patience


My mom is terrified of how fast I drive on the freeway, so I’m preparing a soothing little playlist for when she comes to visit in a few weeks