Just found Elf on the Shelf in the bottom of my lingerie drawer. This explains so many things
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Them: But, if you’re both dudes, who’s “the lady” in your relationship?
Me: Janet Jackson. Always.
You know how you have that ONE hoodie that no matter when or what you’re eating — you ALWAYS spill something on it? It’s cuz you’re a pig.
Never trust couscous. It’s just fat sand.
toddler *shows me his new toy*
me: Who gave you that?
toddler: My friend
me: When?
toddler: When he wasn’t looking
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “I think I’m gay”
Between my education and helping four children with their homework, I’ve studied approximately 27 years of Algebra.
Kylo Ren: *high pitched voice* I love you Kylo Ren. You’re the best dark Jedi ever
General Hux: *walks in* Stop playing with Vader’s helmet
What essential oil do you use to make your teenagers calm down? Is it chloroform?
I’m going to be real with you. my dinners lately are just sort of me throwing things into a pot like a witch in a cartoon
I wish I could literally LMAO..That sounds like a lot more fun than 90 minutes at the gym.
I maintain neutrality in any situation by remaining clueless.
man: want a carrot?
horse: ok.
man: we’re friends now right.
horse: i guess.
man: great hey can you help me move.
me: going to see phil this afternoon
wife: isn’t phil in that cult?
me: yeah so
wife: just be careful
me: have a little faith me in ok
*comes home dressed in all purple*
Which one of you shrunk all of my jeans?
Jesus: I can turn water into wine.
Aquarium: [loud drunken cheering]
Apple CEO announces he’s gay. Samsung CEO announces he’s more gay and water resistant.
Me: I’m going to be late.
Boss, over the phone: What happened?!
Me, stuck up to my neck in rice: Well, funny story…I couldn’t find a towel.
T-Rex: I got stabbed by this huge Triceratops!
Doctor: How big were its horns?
T-Rex: *struggling to widen his arms*
Doctor: Just a baby then. You’ll be fine.
Many racist Trump supporters were stung by Clinton’s speech calling them a “basket of deplorables.” The rest had to go look up “deplorable.”
If there’s a line between right and wrong, I likely snorted it.
6yo has two pregnant Barbies and one Ken doll. You could cut the tension in the Barbie camper with a tiny stiletto.
I’m ready for Halloween this year
“I’d hit that if I was drunk.” – Me, driving by a mailbox just now.
CANADIAN: Let’s watch a movie
AMERICAN: Have you seen Titanic?
CANADIAN: What’s that about?
AMERICAN: Yes, it was. A huge one that sank
Getting your shit together just sounds unsanitary
I would organize my thoughts but I’m afraid they would form a union and demand benefits.
I’m tired of being the bigger person. Just once I want to be the smaller person. I want to be continually shrinking. I’d eventually love to be tiny enough to be carried around in someone’s pocket while shouting petty retorts.