just found myself walking around inspecting things in my front yard with my hands clasped gently behind my back, so my transition into my grandfather is nearly complete
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Everybody keep your fingers crossed for me today.
Nothing’s happening, I just like bossing around internet strangers.
They call it “childbirth” lest we get confused and give birth to a full grown adult.
Did a little math tonight. Need to do 3,527 hours of cardio to get down to my ideal weight by summer, and not consume any calories.
She said she liked it doggy style…
…but when I threw the frisbee, she didn’t even budge.
Do zombies go to heaven when they die?
I hope so.
There’s lots of nice people up there to eat.
[post-apocalypse open mic]
Me: So…how’s everyone’s bone health tonight? Vitamin D & calcium levels looking gooood??
Crowd: *rickets*
I remember being a kid & excited whenever the doorbell would ring. Now when it rings, I drop to the floor & don’t move like its a bank heist
Siri, fight Alexa.
Think you’re smart? Try explaining daylight savings time to a kid.
Before arbys gets sucked into the sun with the rest of the earth and everything you’ve ever known or loved, please come eat some of our crap
[fancy dinner]
ME: please pass the (forgets the name for salt) dried ocean
If you come up to my bedroom door and find a sock on the knob it means I’m having sex.
Probably with the other sock.
Dr. Reverse Psychology: Fine, have it your way, hero.
Captain Resplendent: Aghhh! Reverse psychology. My only weakness.
DRP: Muahahaha!
CR: *weakening* It’s my… only… Kreeptonite.
DRP: Oh no! Mispronounciations are my Kryptonite.
CR: Kreeptonite.
DRP: *weakens further*.
Don’t bother using those white packets of seasoning inside new shoes, they taste terrible.
Top three perverts that see you when you’re sleeping:
1. Santa.
2. God.
3. NSA.
Though built to help exterminate all human life, XJ719 really wanted to be a gold medal-winning Olympic athlete.
And 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘯 exterminate all human life.
I did the universal sign for “call me” and my tween gave me a confused look and asked “on a banana?”
wow he looks just like him
Doing the New York Times crossword puzzle in pen means you’re smart unless you’re doing it on an iPad.
Telling her you’re a magician is tricky business. First, tell her you’re a puppeteer. Watch her face drop then say, “just joking.”
NOW tell her you’re a magician.
a firefly accidentally calling one of the stars in the night sky “mom” lol like how embarassing
My son (4 years old), who has grown up watching us talk to Siri and Alexa, thinks you can talk to anything that has a screen or is plugged into the wall. This morning he told the toaster to order him a new lego set.
[first date]
him: I’m sorry about the sushi but your bio said “real fish person”
me, a mermaid: can we just go
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a Product Manager to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “let’s have a follow-up meeting” helps
LOL
Him: Why is my sandwich 6 inches thick?
Me: The ham expires tomorrow.
“you are strong. you are smart,” i whisper to myself as i struggle to figure out whether to push or pull on a door
I believe in healthy eating so today I’ll be making a Cadbury egg omelet.
Coffee is ready.