Just found out I’ve been drinking straight up cold brew concentrate that’s supposed to be diluted 4 parts to 1, and now I know why I’ve been able to feel my scalp for the last month
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I told my 5 year old my birthday was coming up and he asked if we were going to have pizza and a bounce house and now I’m wondering why the hell I’m not.
I just *puff* completed a [leans on wall to steady myself] 5km run in *puff* 30 minutes for the [wipes bucket of sweat from face] first time ever [adds “fit” to bio before collapsing]
“I’m not falling for that again” I say as I’m about to fall for whatever that is, again
It only looks like my kids are having popsicles for breakfast, Brenda, those are clearly frozen smoothies
My wife and I just renewed our vows of celibacy.
Bored? Find group photo of 4 women on Instagram. Comment “You 3 look incredible!!”
My BFF asked me to watch her purse while she went to the bathroom.
I asked her what it was going to do.
I’m hilarious. Everyone says so.
COP: *drawing chalk outline around victim*
ME: what’s that for?
COP: seriously?
ME:
COP: I think it’s to keep out ants
Destined to be a firefighter from birth.
Guess when toothpaste was invented? 1892. Guess when kissing was invented? A DISGUSTINGLY LONG TIME BEFORE THAT.
Accidentally threw out the lid of the ice cream. Now I’ve no choice but to eat it all.
I’m constantly amazed that only 26 letters in the alphabet can produce so much bullshit.
*neil degrasse tyson scoffing at his keyboard*
this bar is not in space
I find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.
Wife: Talk sexy to me
Husband: Commencing garment extraction
W: Huh?
H: Initiating trouser disengagement
W: …
H: Removing unmentionables
I always pencil in 45 minutes in my calendar when asking my daughter a question.
Conspiracy implies the existence of pros piracy
The secret to making a good egg is the way you ap-poach it.
*a man in the audience has a stroke and dies from being so angry at this joke*
Pandas, skunks and zebras are the oldest species on Earth, dating back to long before colour was invented.
“How about… we change the 6 to a 7?”
“I love it!”
–board meeting at the company that makes novelty sunglasses for New Year’s Eve
*goes down on one knee*
One Knee: I have a girlfriend
[visits psychic]
*knocks on door*
Psychic: “who is it?”
Me: “well this is a bad start”
Guys don’t want sex, guys want to watch a thousand movies starring Jason Statham as a former elite special forces assassin who’s trying to leave his past behind but is called back for one last job
Today’s horoscope.
●Sagittarius: You’re about to have issues with an Aries.●Aries : Sagittarius think you suck.
yea so i messed up lol
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in 2 words.”
Me: “Atinubs. Econsibu.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to CAPTCHA.”
JESUS: [walks on water]
JUDAS: Actually, the body is 60% water so it’s only 40% miracle
JESUS: You’re killing me, Judas
JUDAS: Actually..
The sexual position formally known as 69 is now called 96. Due to the economy, the cost of eating out has increased.
Me: *making a snow angel*
Bartender: …ok, he’s cut off. Get him off the dance floor