Just found out I’ve failed my biology exam. Obviously I’m not happy about it but I guess I’ll have to take it on the sticky out bit just below my speak hole.
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Dont be worried about your smartphone and TV spying on you.
Your vacuum has been gathering dirt on you for years!
Millennials urban dictionary everything… I come from a time when the thesaurus roamed the earth.
I’d … I’d rather not.
HOW TO KEEP YOUR MOM OFF TWITTER
Here I was walking around having a good day when suddenly my 10yo asks ‘isn’t it weird that out of all the multiverses we live in the one where Spider-Man is a fictional character?’
Me: I don’t get it, how can you sell “gently used” coffins?
Coffin Salesman: Dead people don’t do barely nothin’ to a coffin, if you get ’em out quick enough
Me: You have mud all over your pants
[Brings a snowball to a work meeting and tosses it at boss] I’m not trying to disprove the theory of global warming I just don’t like you.
If the Powerball has taught me anything, it’s how to turn $200 into $4.
Sportscenter, episode 542783747363467367984768474756431063389425993399064375493638386747899532689432462567953467347: Men talking animatedly.
What’s going on? Why does the internet keep showing me videos of people chopping wood? Did I check a box for wood chopping somewhere?
“Cantaloupe? Or WON’Taloupe?” *SPLAT* Next week on MELON JUSTICE!
I think Schrödinger would’ve really liked the microwave.
“Your sense of entitlement is destroying our relationship”
*me to my dog while trying to eat without having to share.
I saw a guy and a girl doing high fives in a chemistry lab
and I thought, “wow they be bonding.”
Me: We need a more colourful couch
My kid *carrying paint colours*: mumma what colour would you like our couch to be?
“Guess what!”
“What?”
“I went clubbing and did the Bus Driver last night!”
“Oh I love that dance move!”
“It’s a dance move?”
I feel like if one pizza roll bursts then they all join in for solidarity
Called in, “Didn’t realize this eyeliner was permanent” this morning.
Tell me you get it…🤣
Dog knew jumping the last level was a waste of energy…🐕🐾😅
Me: I’m exhausted
Fitbit: You have taken 11 steps today
If Keenan and Kel decide
That they both are satisfied
And illuminate the no
On their Good Burger sign
The more I parent the more convinced I am that the ears on toddlers are purely for decoration.
Katy Perry is such an inspiration to all those young girls out there who want to grow up and ride giant golden tigers.
Remember “pantsing” people in high school… sneaking up behind one of your bros and slipping an extra pair of pants on over his pants
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he makes us watch Gladiator every single day!
ME: ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?
Lost fighter jets are always in the last place you look.
I avoid eye contact like everyone is trying to sell me $20 fundraiser popcorn.
dentist: have you been flossing
me: have you?
dentist: [to assistant] can he do that
A cup of tea in the morning and I’m ready to start my day. A cup of tea in the morning from my I Moose Wake Up mug and hell, I’ll start your day too.