Just found out monkey pox is sexually transmitted .. just another win for me
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The strawberry frosted pop tart was resplendent.
That’s right, I learned a new word today. Pop-tart; a thin breakfast pastry filled with jam and cooked in a toaster.
Asked my friend how he’s been and he replied saying he wasn’t doing so great and tbh he’s in a bad state right now.
I told him so many people have been there and can commiserate, but he’s gotta keep going and just remember: Rhode Island doesn’t take too long to drive through.
I have one son that loves to refurbish cars. He doesn’t get it from me, I don’t even vacuum.
Never had my own stalker before. Kinda exciting, kinda scary. 2½ stars – might recommend.*
*mostly dependent on them not killing me horribly before I can
Lassie, get help!
I confused the spatula with a flyswatter is why that is floating in your soup.
People who wake up perky:
1) whoa…that’s enough
2) see number 1
I’m what you might call ‘internet pretty’, meaning I’m really your dad.
The pottery scene in “Ghost,” except you’re slowly but steadily pushing the other person’s face into the clay.
Decolonizing something is when you remove perfume from it
Ordered a honey bee kit off Amazon. Can’t wait to tell my co-workers all the benefits of honey that I Googled right before telling them.
Men don’t even appreciate a good bra & panty set. “TAkE tHeSe OfF” did you even look at it 🥺😒
me: h—
bearded guy with a black & white avi: she was the one that got away; a snowflake in an avalanche, and i was outside the snow globe looking in
Scientist: we’re approaching a critical mass
Assistant: should we be wearing protection from the blast?
Mass: you look fat in that lab coat and no one likes you
Scientist: too late
ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking, please fasten your seatbelts i wanna try something
HER: men are so creepy
ME(from inside the walls): define creepy
Computer: [down]
Help desk: you’ll need to submit an online ticket
Person: Aw! How old is your dog?
Me: (whispering) I don’t know. (Covers dog’s ears) She’s adopted.
Me: [Advancing my knight] How much to build a hotel on this square?
Grim Reaper: First, as I explained, that’s not how the horse moves.
My friend takes things for granite because she didn’t finish high school
Trust is knowing you never have to look through their phone.
The animals in Australia are dangerous, but they’re the most dangerous in Queensland because they can move in any direction.
Me: Can you call my phone so I can find it?
Teen: UUGGHH. Can’t I just text you?
Narrator: She found her phone. After 387 text messages.
hear me out…
…lasagna-flavoured cologne
not lasagna-scented, i said flavoured
*licks wrists*
Officer: I’m arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia. Man: No wait! I can explain everything!
4-year-old: *finds Nerf gun* Dad, I’ll shoot you!
*tries*
4: I can’t get it. Can you shoot yourself?
She’s not the first to ask me that.
I wondered why I didn’t find any Easter eggs in my garden.
#EasterBunny #Easter #AmazingFacts #RubbishJoked #DadJokes
If Apple ever made a car they would probably have oddly sized/shaped cup holders just so people would buy their custom drink containers.
“It seems like many polls are turning against you. How do you respond?”
TRUMP: They should be sent back to Poland. Very dangerous people.