Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*puts pancakes over eyes like cucumber slices*

Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?

Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not taking myself!!

(Has hundreds of bad experiences smelling things)
Him: Smell this
Me: Okay

Me *pointing gun* give me all your money

Bank teller: um that’s a water pistol

Me *aiming at her mouth* I’ve filled it with La Croix

Bank teller: you want it in 20s or

I got sunburned at the beach and now my husband won’t listen to anything I say because he doesn’t “take advice from tomatoes.”

[inventing the pelican]

god: ok so we ran out of beaks but i found this traffic cone

Ever since I had my fingerprints taken for employment, I often sit at my desk gazing off in the distance, reflecting over the opportunity of an exciting life of crime lost by accepting this job.

Me: now kiddo, what do we say when we accidentally knock someone’s drink over?

5y/o: (eyes downcast) “goddamnit”

It’s six. Six raccoons. Six raccoons is the amount of raccoons that will make me turn around and walk down a different street. Six.

Taking my roomba out back because I suspect it’s been reporting back to Bezos

I let people think I take the stairs to be fit but really I’m just scared of elevators

Saying no thanks to a CW’s offer to hit me with their car so I could take the day off proves decisions shouldn’t be made before coffee

[Bar]
HER: I want to have sex so badly

ME: [trying to impress her] I am so bad at sex

Who wants to go pull on some push doors with me??

Apparently in my absence my husband has hung cat-level wall art. So sophisticated 🧐

[being murdered at Best Buy]

Murderer: *murdering me*

Me: *being murdered*

Employee: would you guys like to buy an extended warranty

This TikTok trend might be my favorite so far

I think that’s enough internet for one day…

Alicia Keys: 🎶 I keep on fallin’ 🎵

Me: *strategically positions pillows around Alicia*

Some people throw pasta at the wall to see what sticks, while other people just learn how to cook pasta.

I once pushed a shopping cart 10 miles the other direction to avoid talking to someone I knew at the grocery store.

Coworker: don’t you hate it when you get so busy you forget to eat?

Me: imma stop you right there

It’s so reassuring when your nephew asks for your birth year and then replies with woah, did you go to war?

Whenever I’m feeling stressed I like to take a deep breath & think about every mistake I have ever made.

I avoid cheating on my spouse by not getting married.

Your proctologist called. He found your head.

cop: omg they trashed your apartment

me: yes, it was them

“honey, I can’t wait to do missionary later!” *Gets excited* *Wife leaves for third world country-helps many*

We shouldn’t send our trash into space, that’s how you get space raccoons

[me as a DJ]
Where my single ladies at?
*drunk responses*
This one’s for you
*turns off music, serious tone*
This is a bad place to meet men