Just found out my birthday is the same day I was born…
Life is crazy…
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Mom I get nervous on dates & always sweat.
“Wear something that doesn’t show stains”
[5 hours later] How was your date?
She hated my poncho.
Who called it “the equals sign” and not “the aftermath”?
Marge is going for a more natural hairstyle
[enter password]
“dog”
[password must be longer]
“dachshund”
Today I took the stairs. My legs burned, I was all out of breath and I stopped and I thought to myself… I really need to stop using the stairs.
MyFitnessPal:
“If every day were like today, in 5 weeks, you’d weigh…”
ONE METRIC TON!!
Date night with me is like a game of Chess: I start off making the right moves, but by the end of it, I’m needlessly sacrificing bishops
I treat the Steam store like the fridge.
I keep opening it to look even though I know there’s nothing in there I want.
Buddhist Monk: thinking is the cause of human suffering so we must let go of the mind. This takes many years
me: you want to lose your mind?
BM: yes
me: and you aren’t allowed to marry and have children
BM: right
me: ah, I see the difficulty
Mornin
Remember guys, it costs zero dollars to be annoying to strangers on the internet.
Trump says he’ll make Oasis pay for a wonder wall.
got my mind on my money and my money
is nowhere to be found.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years.
Me: February probably.
*seductively unhooks bra, & two cheese balls fall out*
Job interviewer: “It says on your résumé that you went to Cambridge University.”
Me: “Yeah, I was visiting my sister.”
My friends definitely cannot handle their alcohol. Last night they dropped me 3 times carrying me out of the bar
At my age, a “stiffy” is just my back when I try to crawl out of bed in the morning.
My hair has officially hit “accidentally dip in salad dressing” length.
Ask me how I know.
Date nights are great to bond with your spouse over why the hell are the spoons in the fork rack
“FOR [sound of robot-computer meltdown/Buckethead noise] PRESS 1
FOR [feint but audible screams of someone being chased in woods] PRESS 2”
Me: Why do you have that I thought I threw it away. Where did you get it?
4: I taked it out of the trash can.
Me: *eye twitches*
Liquor store clerk: I’m gonna need to see some age verification.
Me: *makes dial-up internet sound*
“Out of sight, out of mind” doesn’t work for donuts.
Yesterday my kid looked into my eyes and said “I love you so much daddy” then punched me in the face.
A black shape emerges from your attic; all you can see are claws. You’ve made $4000 in 30 minutes working from home, but at what cost?
police bust open my trunk. it’s full of potatoes. i’ve done nothing wrong.
dentist: have you been flossing?
me: yes 🙂
dentist: your mouth?
me: no 🙁
me: [listening to The Twelve Days of Christmas] “no person wants this many birds”
She said, “Are you even listening to me? This is important!”
I said, “I don’t know, pizza?”And that’s how the fight started