Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
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Me, a millennial, weighing the pros and cons of two homes on Zillow I cannot afford.
[During quarantine]
Kidnapper: 25,000 by this Sunday if you want to see your kids again.
Me: how about 40,000 and you keep them til next weekend?
I wish I had remembered this was a rectal thermometer before I’d put it in my mouth for 3 minutes.
“Hi. Remember me?”
“Uh… yeah.”
“Remember we talked about you leaving the birdseed on the ground?”
“Uh…”
“Because I remember.”
“It’s cool. We’re cool. I can fix it right now.”
“I wouldn’t want to have to remind you again. That might be bad for you.”
[high school]
Parents: we’re so proud of you for not doing drugs
Me [literally does not even know where I could find an drug if I wanted one]: thank
Ted Danson but only if Ted Drinken
Gigaflops sounds like a replay of my life
The phrase “it’s ok if they never make Shrek 5” is such a weak mindset. You are ok with no Fergus, no Farkle, no Felicia. When you stop getting angry after no news, you’ve lost twice.
There’s always more onions, and always room for more swamps, it’s never ogre.
I ruined our romantic honeymoon to Venice by pronouncing canal wrong the whole time. You know how. You get it. I grow weary of this website
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
There are now more photos of girls in bathroom mirrors than there are of the entire 1940’s.
I don’t know if you really meant to Like Ebola on Facebook, 8,000 people
Volunteer me to do something without checking with me first so I know whose mailbox to leave the dead squirrel in.
[Starbucks intercom]
“Will the man that ordered the Skinny Cinnamon Dolce Latte please pick up your drink. No one is looking.”
Guilt is a dish best served by Mom.
I’m sorry for the things I said about you when I was hungry.
[walks date home]
HER: Wanna come up for a nightcap?
ME: I gotta work early
HER: I have 2 dogs
ME:[already running up stairs like Rocky]
Me: Goodnight, see you in the morning
3: Goodnight, see you in a minute
Pal: I thought you weren’t supposed to eat for an hour after taking that medicine.
Me: Grapes aren’t food. They’re itty bitty water balloons.
co-worker: ok who put seafood in the microwave
me: oh sorry does my lobster smell
co-worker: no he’s pinching people
Every family needs a delusional daughter who is ambitious about relieving all her family’s struggles solely by winning the lottery one day.
ME: Hi I’d like to apply for a job as a contortionist
“When can you come in for an interview?”
ME: I’m flexible
It’s actually a good thing money doesn’t grow on trees because I’ve killed every plant I’ve ever owned.
Canadians are only nice because we put all of our negativity in the geese and ship em off to Florida every year.
Joke’s on my neighbour, I actually like being kept locked in his shed.
Dude 1: “Hey bro?”
Dude 2: “Yeah bro?”
Dude 1: “Can you hand me that pamphlet?”
Dude 2: “Brochure”
[ordering cake over phone]
“and what would you like the cake to say?”
[covers phone to ask wife]
“do we want a talking cake?”
7: can we have an awake-over tonight?
me: an awake-over?
7: it’s like a sleepover but without the sleep
I’d say go to hell, but I don’t want to see you again.
Me: You better eat your vegetables
My kid: but why
Me: they are good for you , they make your eyes brighter and skin glow
My kid (takes a hard look at me): I don’t think that’s true