Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Who called it intermittent fasting and not snackrificing

The bad news is, I accidentally took the wrong medications this morning

The good news: Guess who is now protected from fleas and heartworms for the next 3 months?

Modern Warfare: a $700,000,000 dollar plane drops a $50,000 bomb on a $1.00 tent

First they came for the mime artists, and I said something, because I didn’t want them to think I was also a mime artist.

My therapist thanked me for making her decision to retire early much easier.

So I’ve got that going for me.

My husband doesn’t worry about me cheating because he knows I hate everyone.

[Opportunity knocks]

Me: I’m not answering. You should’ve sent a text first.

WIFE:The pinata is in the tree out back
ME:Huh? I sent the kids to the one in front
W:What one in front?
*angry bees are just everywhere*

Satan cannot be everywhere,
So Relatives were created..

I know a guy who doesn’t love Raymond.

Son: My Jurassic Park game stopped working

Me: So, E reptile dysfunction?

Son:

Me:

Son: Where’s mom?

Me: can I buy you a drink?

Girl: no

Me: *looking at bank account* you’re right

I thought we agreed on rhyming wedding vows Brenda I looked like an amateur out there

I blocked some guys and another guy said good job and I blocked him too.

Whenever someone calls me, instead of texting, I just assume they’ve had a horrific accident and have lost the use of their fingers & thumbs

When I’m old enough, my kids better not leave me alone with a box of Crayolas and anything upholstered

GOOD COP: Tell us what you know

BAD COP: Or we’ll turn up the heat

DAD COP: DON’T YOU TOUCH THAT DAMN THERMOSTAT

When I said I was afraid of the dentist, I meant the bill.

the beatles really said “i am the walrus, i am the eggman” and the world was like “ok”

selfie game

Me: A lady never reveals her age.

Dr: For the final time, Ursula, I AM YOUR DOCTOR!

Me: FINE! *sigh* 37

Dr: thank you

Me: ish

Hell hath no fury like a woman who found out you used her face towel as a hand towel

COP: Do u know why I pulled u over?

ME: *looks at the penguin in my passenger seat* God damnit Ralph I told u to put ur seatbelt on.

I forgot you cant make depression jokes outside of twitter lmao my coworker was like “you ready for this year to be over?” I was like “im ready for this life to be over” he was like bro what

Seas the day!!!!

Nothing like 2 big dogs chasing your dog to get in some extra cardio

Me: my point is, if you remove the potatoes from potato salad you aren’t left with salad
Deli Manager:
Me: so what else are you lying about

Dogs are man’s best friend because a dog would never blindside you with an eleven person group text.

My 4 year old thought it was pretty cool that Simba could do whatever he wanted after Mufasa died. This is concerning.

Sitting in a restaurant, a girl walked in and yelled SOMEONE DECIDED TO MARRY ME *twirls and air kicks* then walked out