Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I did the math right, 8 of you are serial killers and 1,246 of you are eating Nutella.

*enters contest*

Contest: “Wrong hole.”

ME: I can’t find my sandals

WIFE: did you look everywhere?

ME: yes

WIFE: even down

ME: yes even dow—I did not put those on

I just want to be rich enough to say “that won’t be necessary” when the police go to handcuff me

me: *barges into the room*
how dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!

My 5yo just sat down after doing some yard work and said “what a day” so I think he’s a dad now

[demon possessing me is forcing me to walk into a chapel]

Me: are you breaking up with me?!

Demon: no- wait, do you actually think we’re a couple?

Me: *shyly blushing* well, you are inside of me

Demon: why are you this way

So, we tip the pizza delivery guy, but not ambulance drivers.

“To the window, to the wall” – me directing the carpet layers

I think the saying “every man for himself” was made up by women tired of making sandwiches

. No Shoes
No Shirt
No Problem
Welcome To Walmart.

[Calls boss]
I won’t be in today
“Why not?”
[camera pans out to a raccoon wearing sunglasses driving away in my car]
I’ve got the shits.

*turns off life support*

*waits*

*turns it back on*

Me: How’s she now?

Him: Are you sure you’re a doctor?

Me: Doct… No, I’m from IT.

Cats are tough negotiators, they leave nothing on the table.

I miss those two years in the nineties when instead of using sarcasm we’d just say the opposite of what we were thinking followed by “NOT”

If history has taught me anything, it’s that the person with the loudest, wettest cough will always sit down beside me in a waiting room.

<enter password>
ikilledaman
<password must contain a number>
*7 hours later*
ikilled2men

I should do laundry naked so all my clothes could be clean at the same time.

Do I have to put “parody” in my account because I’m not actually a sentient donut?

My personal trainer at the gym told me I need to start working on my upper body strength. I told him to just open the damn pickles and STFU.

Why is everything so sticky?

-parenthood

TUESDAY. The day you realize that nothing can stop you, because you are a MAGIC SKELETON packed with MEAT and animated with ELECTRICITY and IMAGINATION. You have a cave in your face full of sharp bones and five tentacles at the end of each arm. YOU CAN DO ANYTHING, MAGIC SKELETON

POLICE! OPEN THE DOOR!

What’s the magic word?

[Cut to them back at the station staring at a chalkboard with dozens of words crossed off]

Usually takes me two or three tries to correctly aim the remote at the TV, if anyone was thinking of challenging me to a duel.

*First day as a forest ranger*

Me: *using radio* I found a badly mangled buck out here

Boss: That means there’s a bear nearby

Me: Yep *narrows eyes* and it hates money

1: Can I do the cancan?

2: You mean may, not can

1: Can I do the canmay?

2: No, the first can

1: Can I do the maycan?

2: No. May I do the cancan

1: No

Rich people don’t buy lottery tickets, what does that tell you about lottery tickets?

My wife didn’t post an essay thanking our kids for making her a mom on Facebook and now child services is on the way.

Mother in law just said global warming with air quotes. It’s going to be a long night.

Wife: Are you gonna wear that to the cookout?

Oh…

*reaches under mesh shirt*
*takes off nipple ring*

Better?