Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
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Me: Do you know the difference between hot and cold?
4: They both rhyme, daddy!
Him: can we just go back to how it used to be?
Her: awww. Like the day we met?
Him: No, before that.
[on date]
ME: I’ll have a steak
WAITER: How would u like that cooked?
ME: Uhh with fire or some kind of heat? *rolls eyes at date*
*puts “Baby on Board” sticker on car so people will think I’ve had the sex*
People who love dark chocolate are always so snobby about it. Relax. It’s just chocolate, you elitist ninnies.
Santa keeps a pair of mounted antlers over his fireplace to keep the reindeer from unionizing.
Five Secrets of Successful People:
1. Don’t
2. Tell
3. Anyone
4. Your
5. Secrets
I haven’t watered my plants in months and they’re thriving!
-my kid not realizing what moms do
We have friends coming from the Netherlands. My 8yo kept asking if their kids have grown. We couldn’t understand why she was fixated on this.
Neverland. She thought they were from Neverland.
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
my son thinks trying to crawl around me to play with electrical sockets is hilarious. almost as funny as yeeting himself off the side of the bed
Customer Service: How does the name appear on your credit card?
Me: If i had to guess, I’d say it’s 11 pt. Arial bold.
Yes, for the fifth time, I can hear you on this Zoom call! even though I don’t wanna!
Don’t waste your money on lip plumping glosses. Just eat ghost pepper chicken.
“Don’t sit down and wait for the opportunities to come. Get up and make them.”
*sandwiches
[gameshow]
me: [visibly doing maths on my fingers] “17”
host: [looks at me weird] “that’s wrong”
other contestant: “salmon?”
host: “correct”
5yo: I want a snack.
M: You can have a yogurt smoothie.
5: I NEED CHOICES!
M: Ok. You can have a yogurt smoothie or you can have nothing.
*draws chalk outline around my VISA card*
Friend: What’s that you’re reading?
Me: “How to Lose Weight By Eating Anything You Want”
Friend: Wow! If you don’t mind my asking, how much have you lost?
Me: $24.99.
My wife bought a rice cooker today. I guess we’re going to eat a ton of rice over the next few days and then never again.
Any house is an Airbnb if you’re quiet enough
I wish job sites ranked jobs by the level of human interaction you will have to deal with on a daily basis.
Air pods looking like an angry frog
“Dad what IS the moon?”
It is cheese. Delicious cheese. Thats why rats come out at nite, to look at it. We must never let rats on the moon.
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
Got banned for life from rap battling for repeated use of the word dingus.
ME: Sorry boss, I can’t make it in today. Because of Ebola.
BOSS: You have Ebola?
ME: No but someone does and I am FREAKING THE HELL OUT
if you can’t handle me at my worst, you’re probably that gutless Outback Steakhouse shift manager who called the cops on me last night
The moment you throw a piece of boiling spaghetti on your wall, to see if it sticks,
is the moment you realise, random spaghetti boiling advice is radommnly valid
me: *whispering angrily against his lips* no it’s not ok
waiter: *whispers back* but have you ever actually tried Pepsi