Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
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“Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.” – Me to my children.
Team leader: This is a do or die situation.
Me: It absolutely is not.
1st child: Never let them out of sight. Water must be purified 34 times.
3rd child: The dog babysits and they drink toilet water together.
Au: gold
Fe: iron
Si: silicon
Ur: my fire
My: one desire
Blv: when i say
I: want it that way
Me: *finishes up dinner date*
Me: *sits down at new table* Sorry I’m late, traffic was awful
Her: …you were literally sitting at the table right next to this one
Not to say I’m reckless, but my guardian angel wears a blindfold.
I used to be scared upon waking in the middle of the night, but after raising two babies and seeing all hours of the clock, I’ve learned that the only thing that is truly frightening is hearing the word “Mom” whisper-screamed into my ear.
Is ‘Monkey Bread’ for monkeys, made by monkeys or made from monkeys?
Me: Well, that’s enough for one day.
Husband: But you just woke up.
Me: Exactly.
i’m gonna need grocery stores to start contributing to black friday sales this year. i don’t need another big screen bro. what i need is to be able to afford cheese again.
NASA: How’s it looking up there, guys?
ASTRONAUT: I’ve never seen anything so beautiful.
FROG: [lost in his spacesuit] I’m struggling tbh.
Harry Potter is realistic because it normally takes a kid 10 years to tell a story.
Husband: How much Halloween candy should we get?
Me: We went through 2 pounds last year.
Husband: We didn’t have any trick-or-treaters last year.
Me: *death glare*
My husband and I keep the spark alive in our marriage.
I send flirty pictures of stuff I want to buy and he sends flirty little messages like, “I thought we agreed to save money.”
10’s teacher: Your son has excellent grades
Me: Cool
Teacher: And a very sarcastic sense of humor
Me: *tears up* I couldn’t be more proud
Thinking of becoming the “where’s my hug” guy in prison.
I like talking to bartenders because they can’t go anywhere.
Every time I burp I feel like my stomach is like, “Hey! Remember when we ate that?”
me: the best things in life are free!
lawyer: again, I don’t think the bank you robbed sees it that way
You didn’t question the free nachos or the ride in the van. But now that I’ve got a knife to your throat you’re all “why, why?”
I just heard that most of the babies recently born in New Zealand take a moment to look around then loudly say, “Ohhh, HELL YEAH!”
Me too
When a guy shaves his head bald and wears a sweatband, the top of his head looks like a stick of roll-on deodorant.
4 y/o: What’s your job?
Me: I stay at home, take care of you, clean, cook the food…
4: That sounds boring. Do you want me to fire you?
Husband: *texting me* Any chance we can skip that dinner party tonight?
Me: *already in my pajamas* If that’s what you really want.
I feel like this would increase accidents because if I saw that I would assume it’s a demon arriving to drag my soul to hell.
Not to brag but I already took down the Easter Tree
I built a tricycle pram tonight
*adds bike mechanic to the resume*
Not sure if my pedicure tech asked, “you need chrome on your toes?” or “unicorn on your toes?” so I just nodded while trying to decipher it in my head, and now it’s too late. I’d be so easy to kidnap.
Me: Look. There’s a deer.
Hunter: Don’t spook it.
Me: *slowly stuffing a werewolf mask back into my backpack*