Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[stop light]
It will turn green in
5
4
3
2
1..
And
Now
It
Will
Turn
Greeeeeeeen
*turns green*
Ah yes nailed it.

Sorry my diet made me slap the oreo out of your toddler’s hand and scream “NOT TODAY SATAN!”

4 y/o: What’s your job?
Me: I stay at home, take care of you, clean, cook the food…
4: That sounds boring. Do you want me to fire you?

Mouse astronaut, six seconds after setting foot on the moon: I have been lied to

Don’t think too hard about why Santa would name a reindeer “Vixen.”

Go ahead and assume it’s a banana;
I’m rarely that happy to see anyone.

I’m 5’5″ and a HALF. I think men should be pretty impressed that I consider half inches very important when measuring things.

“How many volunteers do we have for my evil army?”

384 my liege

“Ok, round them up”

400 my liege

[flirting between USA and Canada]

Canadian: you’re my favourite.

American: no u.

A bunch of bras is called a support group.

Thanks for following.

Bully: Give me your lunch money
Me (clutching my lunch sack against my body): My name isn’t Money

*at party*

Guy: Want to dance?

Me: I’m sorry but I cannot, in good conscience, leave this cheese ball unattended.

I hate straight weddings because we all have to form a circle and pretend a 4 year old is a better dancer than me.

I’m not country but I did just stop my car on the side of the road so I could put three goats in the backseat to take home and cut my grass.

200 Catholics, one cup. -Mass

*Showing Pet Sematary to 6yo daughter

“Anyway, this is what happens to kids who don’t learn how to spell.”

Saving my good tweets for marriage

The people who shout the loudest about their all powerful God protecting them & delivering them from any evil, also own a gun, just in case.

[dog park]
Dog: omg I just found out I’m adopted
Other Dogs: [barking in shock]

[school]
TEACHER: how was your summer?

STUDENT: great, I grew a foot

TEACHER: that’s cool, can I see it?

Your 20s: I will strive for goodness and peace in this troubled world.

Your 40s: Every single chair is terrible.

An app that tells you the cleanest highway bathrooms. Why isn’t this a thing yet.

Deck the halls
Patio the foyer
Balcony the den
Porch the bathroom
Am I doing this right?

Stop trying to eat garlic bread with your elbow!

…and other things I never said before having kids

*Door creaks open*
*Faces lean in*

Wife: They need more lunch money.
9: And money for the book fair.
17: And gas money.
13: And can you sign this permission slip?

Me, from the commode: Guys… can any of this wait ten minutes?

Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.

It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a portal to another dimension.

Me: *looking at spider in my bathroom*

Spider:

Me:

Spider:

Me: so, are we gonna do this superhero thing now or do you want me to flush you?

Well, son, back in my day, we didn’t have a fancy robot to turn the tv on for us. We only had a boomerang.

I don’t want your undivided attention. I want your multiplied attention. Make clones of yourself and give me all of their attention too.