Just found out my old gym is a 5 Guys now
Renewed my membership this morning
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*puts “Baby on Board” sticker on car so people will think I’ve had the sex*
Imagine asking me, “What that mouth do?”
And I say, “Come and find out .”
Now it’s the third hour of you listening to me talk nonstop about bees
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend, never owned a murdery cat.
Me: I’m bored
Dad: hi bored I’m dad
Me: I’m hungry
Dad: hi hungry I’m dad
Me: I’m here’s 20 dollars
Dad: hi here’s 20 dollars
Me: thanks dad
ghost of christmas past but it’s just the clothes that used to fit before the pandemic
Gluten free pizza is like a roller coaster that just goes straight.
If Bear Grylls married Chuck E. Cheese they would be the Grylls-Cheese family.
Teenager grumpily walks into the kitchen rubbing her eyes.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry, did me making my lunch at 11 AM disturb your slumber?
Had that dream again where I’m a pterodactyl but can’t fly too good and all the other pterodactyls call me a “terribledactyl” and dinosaur laugh at me.
Dance like no one’s going to press charges.
I’m just a girl, sitting on a plane, watching each person come closer to the empty seat beside me and thinking “please don’t sit here”.
When I die, someone, please attend my funeral dressed as the Grim Reaper and just stand there and don’t say a word. Thanks.
Don’t donate your plasma. It’s a big scam and they’re just using it to make TVs.
The only thing I miss about going to the movies is smuggling in an entire 4 course meal
Just played that Facebook game where an app tells you what state you’re best suited to be in and I was disappointed it didn’t say unconscious.
When I was a kid I got caught up among the wrong crowd, until my grandpa pulled me aside & said “Those aren’t your friends. That’s a hedge.”
Me: If it waddles like a duck and quacks like a duck, it’s probably a duck.
Daughter: Didn’t you waddle when you were pregnant with my sister?
Me: *stops the car* get out!
My mom was the best mom. I hope your mom spends today thinking about what she could’ve done to get on my mom’s level.
I’m at the point in my life where my favorite Mexican restaurant is based solely on how big the margaritas are.
I lovingly caress my belly.
“You’re expecting?” a woman asks.
I smile serenely. “Just ate an amazing burrito,” I tell her.
*hands out cups of all purpose flour to marathon runners*
*comes home from work. House is clean, laundry done, dinner on the table*
Me: Hey babe…who did this?
Husband *levitating*: There is no babe…only Zuul
Me: How much does Zuul cost per week?
Taking applications for a semi pro story telling back scratcher.
Must work nights.
Too bad my 20 year high school reunion was cancelled. My plus 1 was going to be the extra person I gained in weight since high school. Darn
Best wishes to the local youths I met outside the supermarket today. They asked me to buy alcohol for their gravely ill grandfather whose dying wish is 3 bottles of vodka and a case of beer. I was happy to help. Please give my best wishes to your grandad, guys.
Wolverine: You know what I can’t heal?
Jean: What Logan?
Wolverine: A broken heart*professor x starts laughing from the other room*
*being wrestled away from mall santa by security* u hav TWO WEEKS until deadline and ur out here doing PHOTO OPS?! WHOS DOINGE THE REAL WORK
A smart woman knows when to give up and walk away
A southern woman has a shotgun and a shovel named give up and walk away
There will be no screen names left for our children’s children.
I am a mother, of course I talk to myself. I am the only one in this house that listens.