Just found out that “3 Men and a Baby” isn’t a movie about Jesus’s birth.
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*Making plans*
FRIEND: So how about next Thursday?
ME: Oh. No can do. I’m gonna have diarrhea all day.
I’m not really thought of as an outdoorsy guy but the truth is I have been outdoors many times and really liked it
Contractor: well it’s not really in an ideal location. Traffic patterns would be a nightmare, you can’t really get in and out of the parking lot easily, and there really wouldn’t be much parking for customers and employees.
Chick-fil-A owner: I’ll take it.
If I could travel back in time to change anything I would go back 15 minutes and stop myself from agreeing to play with my toddler.
I won’t get excited until Twitter adds a button that lets me correct mistakes in other people’s tweets.
I don’t understand. I cleaned my bathroom 7 months ago. Why is it dirty again.
In a few years, when the kids leave home, the wife & I are planning to downsize to a smaller house. She’s told me I’ll need to significantly reduce my vinyl collection – so I’ve started buying up cheap records I don’t want so I can “sacrifice” them when the time comes.
*accidentally makes crinkling noise.
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you handing me an nda and a big pay out to walk away
It was the third time that summer they’d dug up her garden, and Barbara decided it was time to send the bunnies a message.
Thanks, Google, probably could have managed those last two letters myself
Money can’t buy me Love, but it buys having someone else wash my hair…
Some music just moves you. For example this Taylor Swift song playing on the radio makes me wanna drive off a cliff
carolers: *knock on door*
(Simon Cowell answers the door)
carolers: *gulp*
“If anyone has any reason Kim & Kanye should not be married, speak now or forever hold your peace.” -Taylor Swift’s moment of revenge
[Blazing hot day]
Don’t forget to take a jacket, it might get cold.
~ My mom.
Cute skinny girls wearing weird mismatched clothes: hot quirky hipsters
Me wearing weird mismatched clothes: homeless lady from the 80s
My dentist asked how school was and I said “great” because that’s much easier than “oh I actually dropped out because I’ve effectively monetized a twitter account where I numerically objectify dogs”
Somewhere out there, there must be a toddler who has eaten all of their dinner after only being asked once. I want to believe.
Cleavage is the original Jedi Mind Trick.
HIM: *turning the heat down* You have the heat too high!
HER: *turning it up* No, YOU have the heat too LOW!
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: Stop that, this is my office.
Unicorns are absurdly close to being horses. They are one bone more than a horse.
If you love unicorns but are not sated by horses, consider that maybe what you really love is bones.
*Panda walks into shop, “A packet of nuts please.”
Assistant: “pandas don’t eat nuts.”
-“dammit” panda suit opens and 36 squirrels run off.
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: my wife left me for some guy at that rental car company
FRIEND: hertz?
ME: yeah [holding back tears] it really does
If it’s the thought that matters, I had a shower today 😉
If any of my neighbors end up being serial killers, I can tell you one thing for sure: When I’m interviewed by the local news, I’m not going to say, “He was so quiet and kept to himself. I never would’ve suspected him.” I’ll be like, “People are garbage, so I’m not surprised.”
me: I need to learn about clams
librarian: you can find them under C
me: I need to learn more than that
How’s it going?
“I’m so glad you asked, really need to talk to someone right now”
You’re supposed to say ‘fine’ & ask how I am. Bye.
Happiness is…
finding your drunk uncle’s change in the couch cushions after he leaves.