Just found out that “April fools” is not a valid defense in a court of law
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Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Not a single soul on this Earth:
Not even their mom:
iNfLuEnCeR: “A lot of you have asked about my skin care routine…”
Careful…I’ve already had our entire fight in my head and it doesn’t end well for you.
If you wear a ship’s captain’s hat around, people will just do what you say. I run a Starbucks, a Target, a submarine, and two street gangs.
Some vampires adopt common dog names so that people will accidentally call them inside.
5: I cleaned my room.
Me: Great! Do you feel good? Sometimes it makes me feel good when I clean something.
5: No. Next time you can do it.
sighs “always the predator, never the prey…”
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
Fortune Cookie:
You will go on a date with a beautiful woman. She could do so much better.
Mechanic: that’s gonna cost $2000
Me: how much?
Mechanic: $3000
Me: what did you say before that
Mechanic: I said “that’s gonna cost”
Turducken? My food rules are few, but I’d put “don’t eat a food with ‘turd’ in its name” in my top 5.
Dinosaurs never could have survived to the present day.
Like…can you even imagine a stegosaurus trying to climb into a Honda Civic? Totally ridiculous.
me, on the phone: haha hail satan what’s up
god: still me you didn’t click over
Me: Want me to carry you?
4-year-old: This time, I’ll carry you!
*tries to lift me*
4: Never mind. You’re fat.
I see a lot of defense lawyers talking about how you should never talk to the police. This is not totally true. If you have prepared 3 difficult riddles they cannot answer, legally they have to let you go
Got banned from another museum for trying to jump into the paintings.
*Walks in late to dinner*
I see fed people.
Show me someone who doesn’t talk back to the TV and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t watch sports or the news.
me: wow the stars are beautiful
gf: omg babe they really are
me: u know who else is beautiful?
gf: *blushes* who? :3
me: Harambe
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
The older I get, the more I feel like the town elders in Footloose were actually pretty cool.
Ideas for getting more exercise:
– Move the biscuits farther away
– Buy a heavier kettle
[fight scene – me and a murderer kick a gun across the room and grapple for it]
me: [reaching under couch] shit
murderer: let me try i have longer arms
me: you do not
murderer: do too. stand up
[we measure arm length]
me: wow
murderer: yeah i got like a 6’3” wingspan
new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people had asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
Hi, fire department? My cat is in a tree. Television has taught me that this is your problem.
I appreciate commercials that specify “shipped directly to your door” because I’m so tired of delivery people throwing packages on my roof or burying them in my yard
Tonight we’re cooking together, period. I’ll serve the cereal, you pour the milk
Girls love it when guys:
– are respectful
– are handsome
– eat watermelon really fast and spit out the seeds like a machine gun
Step down to the next rung of our ever-lowering journalistic standards.
They say dress for the job you want, so here I am, causally dressed as the moon