Just found out that the old guy at the gym who laughs at all my jokes doesn’t actually speak English.
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Me-Did you know blinking is how cats say I love you?
*blinks profusely at cashier*
Cashier-Your fries, ma’am. Just please take your fries.
The day we decided such footwear would be called “flip-flops” was not our most creative moment.
Parenting is much harder nowadays. For example, you have to be able to push a kid on a swing and tweet at the same time.
[Biden runs into the oval office]
“Barack, ISIS are on the phone. They want a shipment of updog. I asked what it is but they just laughed”
I distinctly remember back in January saying “I wish I could spend more time home.”
To all of you I deeply apologize for not saying “world peace”.
Not one single dinosaur in Oppenheimer.
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance
doctor: I said m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how it’s spelled
ME [passing the bag]: cheeto?
GUY IN THE STALL NEXT TO ME: can we please not do this?
Watching my kids inspecting the French dips I made like I’m about to defend a dissertation
Them: and what is this?
Me: that is ..(checks notes).. Provolone cheese, ma’am
Them: hmmmmm….
back in the 80’s, we simply didn’t have the dog technology we do today
*i walk over to a coworker who is singing along with a song on the radio, gently put my hand on their shoulder & whisper*
no
[hs reunion]
JANE: i’m an engineer
TOM: i’m a real estate developer
AMY: i’m a lawyer
*everyone looks at me*
ME: *panics* i’m a hospital
FedEx would be a cool name for a restaurant for divorced couples
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused treadmill from 1981.
If this whole twitter thing doesn’t work out, we can all get jobs writing for a company that makes mildly disturbing fortune cookies.
I got a 100 dollar giftcard to Kmart and now I can’t decide which Kmart I want to buy.
Welcome to your fifties, your movie reviews are no longer thumbs up or thumbs down, they’re did I fall asleep or stay awake.
Headed to a wedding but my wife said I’m not allowed to refer to the bride as ‘the veiled threat.’
[Sirens]
Dude open the door!*barricading* How do i know you’re not 1 of them?! Were you bit?!
What?! Do you not know what a hurricane is?
her: my therapist keeps canceling appointments to go on vacation to who knows where
me: [under breath] whereapist
Literally any podcast host asking their guest a question
Me: What do you think of my tweets?
Wife: They’re all pretty terrible.
Me: Don’t you have ANYTHING positive to say?
Wife: You’re consistent.
Wife: Your life insurance premium paid up?
Me: Yeah.
Wife: Good.
Me: Why?
Wife: No reason.
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Here, taste this.
the whole internet loves Stanley Cups, the viral cup that you can drink from! *5 seconds later* we regret to inform you the cup is poison
This documentary on tree frogs is absolutely ribbiting.
Disguising marmite as honey seems like a good way to get dumped on Valentine’s day
Your Joke Is Factually Incorrect – A Guide to Dying Alone.
I don’t do escape rooms. If I wanted to feel trapped and confused for an hour, I’d ask my husband to explain how Bitcoin works.
They don’t tell you that it is perfectly legal to swim out into the ocean, grab whatever fish you can, & eat it on the way back
Possessed by deviled eggs.
Someone call an eggcorcist.