Just found out that umbrellas open up. I always wondered why my rain stick never kept me dry. We never stop learning do we.
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computer: enter new password
me: munster
computer: password must be stronger
me: limburger
computer: stronger
me: Jake Paul
computer: stronger
me: AxeBodySpray
computer: password is too strong
“Whoa nice car”
Thanks. I dropped 40K on a new set of wheels
[whispers to friend] “What kind of idiot spends $40,000 on tires”
Everyone preaches body acceptance, until you show up naked at the company picnic.
The seven year old I work for just informed me my haircut makes my hips look wider, so I have that going for me.
Sometimes I regret teaching my children an evidence-based approach to life #FathersDay
The average person eats 8 spiders a year
*eating 2nd bowl of spiders*
“WHO’S AVERAGE NOW DAD?”
I’m the kind of mom who burns one side of the grilled cheese, serves it to her kid with the non-burned side up, and crosses her fingers.
someone very mysteriously dumped 3-400 pounds of pasta in the woods in old bridge, nj …… i need to know everything
Wait til the people so excited about all-day breakfast at McDonald’s find out they can make breakfast at home whenever they want.
“Owen, you must hide this baby from Anakin Skywalker at all costs.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“That’s cool.”
*Me making playground small talk with other parents*
“Congrats on the sex bro”
Doctor: I have some bad news
Me: Why can’t my grandma tell me?
Doctor: I’m afraid she passed
Me: oh no
Grandma: Yeah screw that, I’m not doing it
“Your gun and your badge. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun.” – Octopus Police Chief
You’re 35 weeks pregnant and gonna make me do math?
To those going to Miami tomorrow, please be sure to visit our fun fair setup at the Courthouse.
Photo booths, 23&me test kits, fingerprinting, make your own bracelets…
Be there, will be wild!
All I’m saying is that the Care Bears gave me some very unrealistic expectations.
How can you tell a vampire has the virus?
He’ll be coffin.
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
I swear i’m surrounded by idiots… no one even understood me when i said “to all intense and porpoises.”
They put rubber bands on lobster claws to prevent them from being on their phones all day.
Mike Pence has a strong resume, including Governor of Indiana and Shawshank Prison Guard. #VPDebate
why count sheep when I can count my troubles
I’m slowly replacing people in my life with different snack foods.
if you’re feeling stressed out, just relax, take a deep breath, and exhale fire over all of your enemies. this is more for dragons btw
Im an adult and still don’t play by the rules *pretends to take long drag from chocolate cigarette*
No man left behind.
No stone left unturned.
No donut left uneaten.
I refuse to use the self-checkout isle at a store. What I will do is occasionally post up at the exit and ask to check shoppers receipts. If I’m gonna work at your store for free, I’m picking my own position.
wayward son: alright, i’m done, where’s the pizza
kansas: no we said PEACE when-
wayward son: you’re screwing with me right
Her idea of extending an olive branch was to sharpen one end first, then extend it REALLY hard.
*First hour into camping with my family with no phone*
I have 2 kids?!