Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Robots will never rule the earth” I say as I stand up at the beckoning of my watch

I’ve discovered a magical land through the back of the wardrobe, it’s inhabitants are similar to my neighbours, albeit a lot more hostile.

You can’t begin to imagine what an intolerable burden it is to be cursed with this staggeringly poignant flair for the melodramatic

I just want to have the poker face of a toddler that tells you that they didn’t poop their pants.

the only moral choice in d&d is to play a druid and wildshape into a giant goat every day, travelling the towns with your rich goat milk like a medieval ice cream truck

We’re just never going to talk about the fact Mufasa and Scar are brothers but have entirely different accents?

My mom is going through home reorganizing and to avoid confrontational conflict, my dad is leavings notes voicing his opinion

Life is ruff.
-anonymous dog

one time i was listening to some really cool people having a conversation when one of them suddenly turned to me & asked, “what are you doing here?”

Why do they put stools in bars? They’re like the tipsiest type of sitting utensil

As a kid I’d watch Price is Right and think ha that sucks he won furniture. Now I’m like, wow I can really use a new bedroom set.

When someone accuses me of making up a word I severely chastigate them.

Who teaches the chickens to fry a steak?

none of you hit me with your car this morning and now i have to go to work. thanks

Both of my boys are away at college, leaving me alone to defend the thermostat against my wife and daughters.

Can’t find my belt so I’ll just need to get fatter.

ME: *shows girl my bedroom* This is where the magic happens.

HER: There’s not even a bed in here.

ME: Are you sure? *pulls a bed out from behind her ear*

HER: Holy shit!

My husband pays me the highest compliments. Like “WOW! Look at you. You’re dressed.”

Boys are cute how they’re all “I like girls that don’t wear heavy makeup” and “get down from that tree near my window or I’ll call the cops”

Why do sanitary towel adverts always feature a liquid which is blue?

Are aliens their primary customers?

Me: Ugh! These jeans are too tight!

*opens bag of chips*

[a door mysteriously slams shut]

me: *spooked* what was that

the ghost haunting my home: just me still haunting lol

me: thank goodness I thought I left a window open

Luckily my rib cage protects my heart better than my head does.

what’s the proper waiting period after your spouse is kidnapped until you can resume watching your Netflix shows without it being a thing

[English class]

Her: I’m never sure how to properly use a colon

Me [trying to impress her]: *poops*

“I’m away at school for one day and you give away my room?!”

“Did he just do that by himself?” 🛹 🐈 😎

🔊 Sound up

[job interview for psychic]

INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?

ME: Well played.

My wife working in our garden: How does it look?

Me: Well that’s the last place I ever expected to see throw pillows.

You think you’re having a hard day? I’ve had to listen to someone chew AND lick their fingers clean