Just found seven Easter eggs while putting up Halloween decorations.
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The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.
wife: you’re drunk
me: I’m not the one who’s all blurry Carol
Absolutely stellar ‘people in the papers pointing at the thing that’s made them angry’ today
Hate it when I go to the store for a loaf of bread and come back home $100 later.
Jurassic Park is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
on my last dying breath saying “please… tell her I love her…” and then handing a stranger a heart locket and when they open the necklace it’s a selfie of me
[girl’s night out]
WIFE: I’m off then
ME: Okay
WIFE: Don’t do anything obtuse
ME: Pfft – give me a break!
{5 min later}
ME *googling obtuse*
I hope my kids are impressed with how resourceful the Easter Bunny is for filling eggs with steeply discounted Valentine’s Day candy.
Today is my mom’s birthday or as she calls it, Cinco de Seis, because someone taught her just enough Spanish to be annoying.
Yesterday my kid looked into my eyes and said “I love you so much daddy” then punched me in the face.
**You’re through to 911, dial 1 for human cops, dial 2 for lobster cops**
[smashes 2 frantically while crayfish tries to break down my door]
If your kid asks for a napkin it’s already too late.
*calls bullshit
Bullshit: Who gave you my number.
#ParentingFacts
I took off my shirt when I got home and my wife put her eclipse glasses back on.
The pastor’s sermon went on so long that even Jesus got up and walked out.
My class teacher once said “Write and Practice.” Turns out she was right. I practiced on my desk just before I started my exam and it worked
Meteorologists are always talking about the weather and hardly ever about meteors.
[dentist chair]
how’s school?
*I start talking, dentist notices his hand isn’t in my mouth*
oh sorry
*puts hand in my mouth*
how’s school?
Me: Where can I get a good steak?
Her: Butcher?
Me: *deeper voice* Where can I get a good steak?
Cinderella: [changing clothes after the wedding, removes one shoe]
Prince Charming: omg babe where did you go
Find you a woman that spends her night using lunchable meat to try stealing stray cats from the local gas station
Was just up a ladder *very obviously* mending the roof when a man ambled over, stood at the bottom and eventually called up ‘Mending the roof are ye?’
Got to reply ‘Aye, once I’ve finished unblocking this sink.’ Never felt more powerful. I am majestic. I could grow antlers.
Kim Jong Un has upgraded himself from “Leader of North Korea” to “Supreme Leader of North Korea” by adding sour cream and extra cheese.
The best shot in the history of golf
I’m starting to think that this $49.95 “Landmarks of Europe Tour” might be bullshit.
If the marriage counselor asks how long since you’ve had sex, she means with your spouse. Learn from my mistakes.
Thank you two-step authentication codes that expire after 60 seconds for providing Mission Impossible-type drama into my mundane suburban existence
STOP TEXTING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
grandpa: what do u call a dog in alaska
me: grandpa, no
grandpa: WHAT DO U CALL A DOG IN ALASKA
me: grandpa please
grandpa: A CHILI DOG
me: grandpa, I-
grandpa: WRITE THAT ON YOUR TWEETER