Just found the worst page in the entire dictionary. What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous.
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AH WONDERFUL I SEE THE JOB APPLICATION HAS CHOSEN TO IGNORE MY BEAUTIFULLY CRAFTED RESUME IN LIEU OF MAKING ME ENTER MY INFORMATION LINE BY LINE ONTO SOME SORT OF WEBSITE FROM THE 1800S
The horror:
“Come on, I’ll introduce you to everyone”.
Gandhi fasted for weeks and remained peaceful. I go three hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
This is the best one I’ve seen
which bird do you think most deserves to be punched in the face and why is it a goose
As a 36 year old man I know that buying nunchucks as a self defense weapon wasn’t a smart idea but as a 36 year old man with a concussion I also know that they will do their job
[God creating the stingray]
Ya know Peter, I was getting out of the shower this morning and thought “what if I made my bathmat a murderer?”
The vast majority of spider couples met on the web.
Can’t believe you got your kid’s name tattooed on you, like what if you break up?
BANK ROBBER: There’ll be no trouble as long as everyone is cool
ME *remembering I’m me* oh no
The kids I nanny asked why I wanted to see Incredibles 2 and I said because the first one came out when I was a kid
and they really asked ….
If it was in color
90% of my life is convincing others that I, an idiot, am not an idiot.
The other 10% is using my phone’s flashlight to help me find my phone.
Absolutely noone:
Americans: I took French at school but all I can remember is fromage.
*writing suicide letter
Goodbye cruel world. Your going to really miss me when I’m gone…
Cat: *you’re
Pros & cons of being a skeleton:
Cons: no sex, love, food, friendship, books, music, movies, art..
Pros: you can play your rib cage like a xylophone
to the scum photoshopping bandanas on my wedding photos, STOP. my wife has a bad memory & is in tears, she thinks she married a bandana guy
Honey, someone thinks I’m subtweeting them again..
Honey?
My wife asked why I spend more time preparing for fantasy football than I spent planning our wedding, and apparently that wasn’t the best time to explain my amazing draft strategy.
my allergies were acting up so i took allergy medicine. now i’m sleepy and my allergies are acting up.
Step1) Buy 100 cans of tuna
Step2) Drain the cans into a bucket
Step3) Soak ur cloths in the tuna water
Step4) Go outside & get all the cats
vampires are dumb, moonlight is reflected sunlight.
I hope you catch the bouquet at my funeral.
My kid was searching for her popsicle in her sleep and I’ve never felt closer to her
*bumps into an acquaintance in a world where there’s no such thing as weather* Uhhhhhhhhhhh
The worst thing about switching from Android to an iPhone is the almond milk.
This hasn’t helped my bull get any sleep at all. In fact, the closer I get to him with the bulldozer, the more agitated he gets.
Being a girl under 5’4 is tough. Imagine pulling up your shirt at a party and screaming WOOOOO! and nobody notices and you have to go get a stepstool.
said some terrible things about a coworker’s newborn when she called it a “week old baby” and I thought we were roasting it
Guy on the plane threw a fit about sitting next to my Therapy Scorpion
three suited men in my coffeeshop. one of them just said, “my personal idea of progress is moving things forward,” which is actually just the definition. everyone’s nodding. guys like this are in charge of every industry and it’s clearly why trains explode