Just Friends is my favorite movie that shows fat guys how to get out of the friendzone through perseverance and becoming Ryan Reynolds.

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[the beeping to remind me to put on my seatbelt finally gives up]
*looks at driving test instructor*


Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you


“I dunno, maybe you go steal an old lady’s purse, you can hold up a liquor store, & you…just sit there looking mean.”

-Unorganized Crime


Captain America outsources much of his crime fighting to Captain India.


interviewer: are you a good listener

TV captioner: yes

interviewer: can you type quickly and accurately

TV captioner: oh yeah

interviewer: sorry, we can not hire you


Life goals:

Age 6: Be a pirate

10: Kiss more girls

16: Be 18

21: Be rich by 30

22 – 32: *File corrupted*

33: Improve on napping


When improv teams ask for suggestions, I like to yell “Learn a trade before your father cuts you off financially!”


A friend of mine was telling me that his wife thinks he’s too impulsive. I told him, “What does she know, you only met her yesterday.”