[the beeping to remind me to put on my seatbelt finally gives up]
*looks at driving test instructor*
Just Friends is my favorite movie that shows fat guys how to get out of the friendzone through perseverance and becoming Ryan Reynolds.
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Plot twist: The Rock isn’t Kid Rock’s real dad.
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
“I dunno, maybe you go steal an old lady’s purse, you can hold up a liquor store, & you…just sit there looking mean.”
Captain America outsources much of his crime fighting to Captain India.
interviewer: are you a good listener
TV captioner: yes
interviewer: can you type quickly and accurately
TV captioner: oh yeah
interviewer: sorry, we can not hire you
Age 6: Be a pirate
10: Kiss more girls
16: Be 18
21: Be rich by 30
22 – 32: *File corrupted*
33: Improve on napping
When improv teams ask for suggestions, I like to yell “Learn a trade before your father cuts you off financially!”
I don’t hate anyone. I just don’t like people.
A friend of mine was telling me that his wife thinks he’s too impulsive. I told him, “What does she know, you only met her yesterday.”