Just gave a homeless man $5 because I know what it’s like to be sober.
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God: *creates oceans*
Lucifer: I SEA what you did there LOL
God: Get out
I put an ad in Craigslist for a muscular blonde with strong arms, excessive body hair and a thick British accent so I’m dating Madonna now.
Flight attendant: Before landing, please make sure all small electronic items are secure
Me: *whispering to my tamagotchi* do you feel safe, bud?
Laundry:
Washing – 30 mins
Drying – 60 mins
Putting away – 7-10 business days.
Kids are hard to predict; and living in 2021 with two young kids who sing along to “Who Let the Dogs Out” was not what I expected.
8:00 AM: Too tired to think
Noon: Too tired to think
5:00 PM: Too tired to think
Midnight: How do dragons blow out candles??
Friend: Let’s get together! What’s your calendar look like next week?
Me: Same picture of a dog on it till next month
I’m new to confession. Is it normal for the priest to cry and ask for a priest?
I’ll be signing books at the library tomorrow from 2-4pm (or until that librarian calls the cops again). Come on out!
“Oh babe. All of that is for me?”
-Me, to my laundry basket.
me: I’m going to build a time machine
him: *eating the last donut* what you gonna use it for
me: *eating the last donut* righting wrongs
The nicest piece of exercise equipment I own is a stationary bike. It’s actually a regular bike, but it never moves because I don’t ride it.
– How much for the mobile tampon?
– Ma’am?
– It’s a bit big.
– Ma’am, it’s a lamb.
– Does it make that sound because it has detected blood?
genie: you get three wishes
me: i wish you were terrible at math
genie: ok you’re out of wishes
me: wait no
If you see me longingly looking at you at the pub, i’m just wondering if you’re going to eat all those nachos?
My wife never catches me scoping out the hot chick because she’s too busy judging the hot chick.
Tony Hawk: *does a 360*
Tony Owl: *does a 360 while doing a 180*
A friend sent me this.
Tiny Son: Mommy, I can’t wait to be a ghost so I can see what’s inside of trees.
The pilot’s been taxiing to our gate for 20 minutes, so apparently he landed at the wrong airport and we are driving the rest of the way.
Why hasn’t anyone stopped him?
I am rarely judgmental, but I do scowl, and shake my head slowly in disapproval whenever I see a vegan biting its nails.
therapist: what are you afraid of?
me: nothing
therapist: yes, the void. it will swallow us all
I hate when people say “think again.” Buddy, I wasn’t even thinking in the first place.
You people who pull back the shower curtain checking for psycopathic murderers … if you find one, what’s your plan?
You can learn a lot when your children start moving out. For example, you may go upstairs and learn that you no longer own a couch.
lady: omg your puppy is so cute whats his name
me: laser guardian
Only shaving the parts of my legs where the holes in my jeans show skin isn’t lazy, it’s efficient
Sometimes when I get a compliment I stop, moonwalk out of the room and yell “Thank You “just to leave them hanging.
This will be our daughter’s first year trick or treating and the goal is to get her to collect all the candy for us and then immediately forget it exists