Just gave this idiot a thumbs up for cutting me off, and I think I might not understand road rage.
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It was a sad day when I discovered my Universal Remote Control did not, in fact, control the Universe. Not even remotely.
Cats don’t come with instructions, so how is anyone supposed to know you can’t put them in the washing machine.
Me: [going in for a hug]
Loudspeaker: SECURITY TO THE OCTOPUS TANK
Billy Joel’s washing is still wet because he didn’t start the dryer.
WIFE: Don’t tell the kids but I threw away those awful pictures they made & stuck on the fridge
ME: [sprinting towards the bin] MY ART
Why is it someone is always refinancing their mortgage in the self checkout in front of me?
It’s almost like those two bowls of chili made me sleepy
if men were attracted to weird digestive gurgle noises I’d be having a whole nother kind of sex life
I tripped going up the escalator and fell down the stairs for like 20 minutes.
[At the car dealership]
Me: See, this has everything I want, right here
Salesman: Sir, our soda machine is not for sale
What wine goes well with two ungrateful teenagers, an oppressive boss and insurmountable credit card debt?
Game of Thrones is exciting, but I think it’s important to remember that these people are fighting over a chair
If you put on BBC news and told me it was Downton Abbey, I’d watch for like 20 min before I asked “For real, tho?”
How Am I Doing? I’ll Tell You How I’m Doing Volumes: 1-8
My brother in law sent us adorable Valentines from our 14 month old niece who we have never met (They live in Canada)
Her litlte red handprints are the card are so sweet…except it also kinda looks like she bathed in the blood of her enemies and then sent us a warning
What’s the most ridiculous demand a customer has made of you? I’ll go first: when I was working retail, a woman once demanded I pick her up from her Botox appointment with my car & bring her to the mall to shop
I love Harry Porter. All of them. Glasses kid. The ginger one. Smart girl. Dolby. The scene when Dumbledort kills Voldermore. Quizzo matches
[talent show audition]
Me: *pressing lips to mic* I’m a coroner by day and a ventriloquist by night
Judge: whose lips are those?
Depressed? Try changing your bedding. Cedar chips are for guinea pigs & may not be right for you
Don’t you hate it when you forget proper terms for objects so you end up calling a “watering can” a “that waterthingie for thirsty plants, yanno it’s like a portable water holder”.
[first date]
Me looking confused: “well you had cartoon bunny ears in your profile picture!”
her: wow your armpit is really big
me: yeah *tosses another limb onto the pile* I used a bulldozer
BREAKING: Man arrested for owning a waterbed. Police reported that “it’s not really illegal, but a waterbed in 2014? That’s just creepy.”
When your chip basket is empty and your server’s busy.
Closed pistachios are further proof there is no god.
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: omg, me too
I just spilled my protein shake all over myself and all I’m saying is a donut would never do this to me.
Ghosts who are trying to quit smoking chew spirit gum
Her : I like you
Me : You’re mistaken