just gave your address to some spiders
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What do you mean I can’t get a refund on this broken lamp?
Ma’am you bought it from my yard sale a year ago! *slams door*
Me: my personality is broken I’m here to buy a new one
Psychiatrist: that’s not how therapy works-
Me: [slides $20] I want to be cool
Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
– Lift doors shutting as someone approaches
– “Tickets please”
– “It’s 3 for 2 if you want to go get another one”
– Doorbells
Being a bigger account doesn’t make you a better person. We’re all terrible people. We’re on twitter. I threw a baby at a fox this morning.
What do you mean you come from a dysfunctional background?
“Well my mom is a compulsive hoar-“
*gasp*
“-der. Wait, what did you think I was going to say?”
Sorry, I get easily distracted
I just need a shovel and a good alibi.
I have to find the recorder the school sent home last year, or something terrible will happen. The school will send home another recorder.
Mom told me to quit calling the postman a mail escort.
What’s the difference between a Lamborghini and a dead body?
I don’t have a Lamborghini in my garage.
[arrives at party]
ME: This was a good idea.
*30 seconds later*
MY WILL TO LIVE: I’m gonna go wait in the car.
Gonna ask this security guard if I can please have security footage of the sick parallel parking job I just executed next to his building.
[mission]
CMDR: Did everyone sync their watches?
ME: Yeah and now it doesn’t work
CMDR: What? Let me see
ME: I can’t…it’s in the sink
Wait, so hallways in mental institutions aren’t called psychopaths? Well they should be.
Indiana Jones: It belongs in a museum!
Me: *running away* Leave my sexy booty alone
The Princess and the Pea
except it’s a rogue hair on the inside of my shirt driving me crazy all day
Had this weird dream last night that I was Superman, but I was only able to fly really low to the ground because I’m chubby.
[Walks in on girlfriend on death bed]
ME: [Crying] this can’t be happening
GRIM REAPER: Dude, I can explain. She totally came on to me
someone told me today that young people can’t afford homes because we spend all our money on “toys like boats and ATVs” and now I am desperate to meet the one Millennial Hell-Child commuting from their basement apartment in a speedboat and giving us all a bad name.
You know who else has a naughty list?
HR
Should I shampoo my carpet before using my air conditioner?
[varnishing an old rocker]
keith richards: what the hell man
My biggest fear is getting a 200 page email that ends with “Thoughts?”
my husband fell asleep and I don’t know how to turn the volume down on his game without killing his village or whatever so I guess the soundtrack to my insomnia tonight is intense medieval lute music
If you haven’t heard about shorts yet
Don’t drop the soap in prison because someone might steal your soap and then you will be “the dirty guy” and no one will have sex with you
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m extremely flexible
professor x: [looks at watch] oh shit i have another meeting, can we reschedule?
me: no problem
Me: Babe, I got carded today!
Husband: Showing your Costco membership at the entrance doesn’t count.
*Growling bear comes out of the woods*
Me: Aww, it’s a giant teddy.
Him: Are you crazy? Run!
Me: *arms wide open* Bring it in.
Bear:*embraces me & cries* This is all I ever wanted.
Dad Dinosaur: Look son a shooting star make a wish!
Angsty Teen Dinosaur: I wish it would hit us and kill us all.
Assert dominance by putting your hair in your cats food.