Just getting romantic with the wife when our slow cooker set off our smoke alarm so yes, I was crock blocked.
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My wife isn’t international so we don’t celebrate
a paper airplane that doesn’t fly is just stationary
[driver on opposite side of the road puts head lights on]
moth driving: omg
moth wife: Harold no we have a baby
moth baby: FLOOR IT DAD
Authentic isn’t automatically good. You could be an authentic douchebag.
Wife: Can we eat outside?
Me: *supportive* Of course babe. I love wasps.
Things that don’t kill bees
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
*Looking through binoculars
Awww, it looks like she forgot her password. I should remind her what it is.
My wife rearranged the kitchen cabinets and now I’ll never eat again
My mama didn’t raise no fool.
Instead I was raised by a pack of idiot wolves.
I didn’t want to grow up; I just wanted to be able to reach for the cookies.
Me: Alexa, did you hear what Siri just said about you?!
Alexa: Hold my beer!!!
I warned my wife the tattooist was no good and sure enough she came back with disappointment written all over her face.
You’re pretty cocky for someone with such a small…
….vocabulary.
The lead singer of Nickelback tried out for his school Christmas play, but he never made it as a wise man.
Told my 8yo he had to go outside and play for awhile before he was allowed to play more playstation
He refused because, “That’s bribery, Dad!” 😂
Doctor *as I wake up after an accident* I’m afraid your body’s in a terrible condition
Me: oh no
Doctor: and then you were in an accident
Husband looking through take out bag: Did you forget my tacos?
Me spewing taco shell crumbs: Thofe baftards mufed have forgot to pack fem.
First Guy To Compare Apples to Oranges: Apples and oranges are pretty similar.
Other Guy: You’re an idiot. That’s like comparing…well…I don’t even know what, but that’s just stupid. This is why nobody likes you, Carl.
Is Bowser a kind of turtle that has spikes, or is he in some kind of turtle youth movement that wear spikes and wristbands and harbor bad turtle attitudes
My wife said she wanted to do it missionary style, so I forced her to change religions and gave her smallpox.
Me: We do *not* spit on our classmates!
5YO: Well, who DO we spit on, then?
I miss the funny stuff my kids said when they were little.
I just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome. It was terrible at first but by the end I kind of liked it.
[Marriage Counseling]
Wife: He’s always messing up even the simplest phrases.
Me: I THOUGHT we were gonna keep that on the download…
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok I’ll get him a little towel
I hate when I’m in a restaurant bathroom, and I run out of toilet paper. Like my dinner guests are gonna be scared of HALF a mummy costume
Girls are shit with birthday gifts you’ll hint for a Rolex all year & she’ll turn up with a jar that’s filled with 22 things she loves about you lol
What are some fun shapes kids would like to eat?
Perdue Chicken: Dinosaurs?
McCain Potatoes: Smiley faces?
Mondelez Candies: Other Kids!
So Nicolas Cage and John Travolta walk into a bar and the bartender says “hey, why the wrong face?”
They say never give up on your dreams, but I’m really starting to think I’m not going to be the queen of England.
Any other person cuts their thumb: “Expletive!”
Me, a Catholic person: “Expletive! To thee do we cry, poor banished children of Eve!”