Just ghostbustered some flies with the vacuum – hope you idiots like legos
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Louis CK releasing a special when no one can leave the room feels pretty on brand TBH
I bet if Aquaman and Jesus had a fight, Jesus would walk all over him.
Itching, flaky skin? Burning sensation while urinating? You’re probably on fire!
It’s no longer a Twittercide, it’s Xterminated.
There’s nothing sadder then the look on my dogs face after he hears something hit the floor and discovers it’s only lettuce 🙁
Wife: honey the kitchen really needs an update
Me: consider it done love
*hanging this year’s calendar on the fridge*
Me: I’m gonna go work on your car
Wife: *remembering the time I thought her car’s air conditioner was called the car brr ator* Please don’t
[babysitting]
Nephew: Can we listen to music?
Me: OK but not very loud.
Nephew: Why, does it hurt your old ears?
Me: Hey look at that, it’s your bedtime.
If you read enough tweets you can tell the approximate time the tweeter switched from coffee to alcohol
Doctors say eating a piece of Bacon takes 9 mins off your life…if my math is correct i died in 1781
ME: *enters password*
COMPUTER: Weak and insecure
ME: No it’s not
COMPUTER: Sorry, I was talking about you. Yeah, the password’s fine
Jack is coming over.
“Jack from work or Jack and the…”
[a beanstalk comes up through the floor and crashes through the ceiling]
🎵 Papa, just killed this toy
Stomped my foot against its head
Batteries fell out, now it’s dead Papa, playtime had just begun
But now I’ll go and throw tantrums all day…🎵-If “Bohemian Rhapsody” was remade to fit my toddler’s mood.
Friend: I got an expensive new face cream.
Me: Your face looks terrible. I’d sue.
Friend: I haven’t used it yet.
That awkward moment when mom says 3 is the perfect number of kids to have, but you’re her 4th
Kid behind me on plane kicking my chair and coloring.
*turns around*
*grabs one of his crayons*
*slowly breaks it*
*whispers “you’re next”*
“I will not have my voice silenced! This is censorship! This is against the constitution!”
“But sir. This is a library.”
New machine at the gym is weird. I cant figure out the sets but for a dollar it gives me a Snickers when I hit E4.
When I was a kid I would say I’m whatever age and a half because I wanted to be older.
Now I say I turned 40 a few years ago.
You can learn a lot from a woman wielding a knife. For example, your top running speed.
My greatest magic trick is making stuff magically appear before me in the exact location my husband said he couldn’t find it.
yesterday at the farmers market when i was buying cucumbers, the old man selling them asked what i planned on doing with them & for a second I was like 👀 👀 👀 until he continued by asking if i was going to just eat them or pickle them because one kind is sweet and one kind is…
Put the is in disheveled
My neighbor put up like $3,000 worth of Christmas lights but I showed him by putting out a nativity scene with like 20 baby Jesuses
Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage and understand how it works?
Me (imagining bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
Seriously guys, you have no idea how much nothing I can accomplish when I’m on Twitter.
You gotta love a man with a dog’s name and a dog with a man’s name.
“Hi, I’m Cody and this is my dog Steve.”
I was always taught that every girl’s dream was to marry a Prince but according to my girlfriend it’s actually owning a 1600 watt ionic diffusion Dyson hairdryer.
Me: Let’s get married secretly, and not tell anybody!
Her: Yea, but what if we have a baby?
Me: Well, we’ll tell the baby…
It is possible to fail a cheese-making class but you have to eat your entire final exam to find out.