Just go ahead and put “She always had to pee” on my tombstone, because that’s how everyone’s going to remember me.
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Welcome to your 40s: time to go slap mulch bags at home depot.
It’s not really ‘fast food’ if fat people can catch it.
Joseph Campbell: Follow your bliss.
Marie Kondo: Spark joy every day.
My doctor: Everything you love is bad for you.
Me:
IAN: I broke my leg once
ME: I’ve never broken a bone, touch wood [touches wood]
THE UNIVERSE: THIS MAN WILL NEVER BREAK A BONE
In New England, we only have two seasons:
1) Ice cream will melt if you leave it in the car
2) Ice cream is fine if you leave it in the car
Dear trick-or-treaters: Would it kill you to say “thank you” when I hand you a freshly made egg salad sandwich?
Diet Tip: Your pants can’t get too tight if you never wear any
How do I tell my doctor I only like him as a friend
*lays down on memory foam mattress*
mattress: remember that time you pooped your pants in 3rd grade?
me: I regret buying you
BY THIRTY FIVE YOU SHOULD HAVE SAVED HALF OF YOUR RETIREMENT WHICH IS EASY IF YOUR RETIREMENT PLAN IS TO WADE INTO THE SEA
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
I am not the person I thought I was when I cut that donut in half.
I wish I could find a job where I got paid as a “breadwinner,” but alas, good things come to those who cake.
ME: I make all my decisions by rolling dice
DATE: Ok
WAITER: Can I get you any drinks?
ME: Yes I’ll have-
[rolls dice]
-six beers please
When you swallow a spider in your sleep, eat some dead flies the morning after to ensure the spider gives you a positive Trip Advisor rating
I shot my first Turkey today. Scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section, it was awesome!
[millennial children kindergarten roll call]
Teacher: Nancy?
Nancy: here
Nanci: here
Nancee: here
Pnancy: Here
Gnancy: here
Me, getting murdered: Those had better not be my fabric scissors, buddy.
“Enter passcode to use Touch ID” – then what is the point of you Touch ID that lives on my iPad? WHY ARE YOU SO SCARED?
I’m starting an eraser company and looking to get the word out
Marie Kondo: Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: YES!
Marie Kondo: Oookay… um, this paper cup from 3 weeks ago?
Daughter: Yes! It’s my favorite!
Marie Kondo: *holding up a broken crayon* Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: Yes!
Marie Kondo: *in tears* This popped balloon?
This hospital has everything
Before we were married, my wife was like a tiger in the bedroom.
Now she’s more like a possum.
She plays dead whenever a snake approaches.
[wedding]
i wrote my own vows *removes paper*
“chickety china the chinese chicken”
whoops wrong one *2nd paper*
“if i had $1,000,000”
Work like you don’t need the money: Just stop and go home. Who cares? You don’t need that money
I hate it when I’m trying to take a selfie and somebody calls my camera.
Sit-ups are no fun, sharpie abs are definitely the way to go if you want permanent results.
[at doctor]
can u cough for me please?
*coughs*
again please
*coughs*
i see i see. i’m afraid you have a cough
”You can’t outsmart me! I know what you’re up to” I say to my cat. I lie
“Is chicken the animal spelled the same as chicken the food?”
– my child, about to be shook