Just gonna eat a cookie and reflect on this
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I’m a pancake in that I’m attracted to all cakes equally.
Toddlers wait until you’re at your breaking point to lean in for a hug and headbutt you right in the eye socket.
“we serve breakfast all day” no you don’t, you serve eggs and pancakes for dinner, which is totally fine, but let’s not lie to ourselves
The dress code for my wedding should have been red flags.
– How much for the mobile tampon?
– Ma’am?
– It’s a bit big.
– Ma’am, it’s a lamb.
– Does it make that sound because it has detected blood?
I just spent ten minutes waving back to a guy in a storefront window before I realized he was just cleaning the glass.
We’re intellectual opposites.
You’re intellectual and I’m opposite.
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
[interview after finishing last in the olympics]
do you regret saying “I could win this race wearing flip flops”
[pulls mic close] yes
AC changed bail to basil, and now I’m sitting in jail with some lovely herbs.
GUY 1: I beat cancer
GUY 2: I backpacked thru Europe
GUY 1: So what?
GUY 2: And I didn’t tell anyone about it when I got back
GUY 1: You win
*Backstreet Boys voice*
Am I acceptable?
I haven’t seen the numbers, but I imagine vampire attacks are way down.
The only Plato I care about is a big Plato spaghetti
Your date leans in and whispers “I’m not wearing panties.” You shiver. She continues: “I pooped a little and had to throw them away.”
me making someone eat a chip with my mind
Maybe if wommen’s uteroids weren’t such powerful mystery-swamps, the GOP wouldn’t have to police them with #light & #K9 units.
My neighbour got drunk and left a case of beer on his front porch last night.
In other news, I just got a free case of beer.
Black magic is just like regular magic, but with bigger wands.
*first date*
Him: So, I’m a youth minister.
Me: Oh, cool. *googling cast of the bible* I really like…Lucifer.
Interviewer: u worked in sales before?
Me: yeah
Interviewer: what’s your background?
Me [gets phone out]: picture of my dog eating spaghetti
People will say astrology is bullshit until they read their star sign is ‘mind blowing in bed and a great kisser’ then its 100 percent facts!
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
HARRY POTTER: 🙁
DUMBLEDORE: 🙁
VOLDEMORT: : (
A recent study shows that 90% of all adults have a chronic or even fatal disease
The other 10% don’t use Web MD
Me: Just reverse it, like a vasectomy.
Surgeon: I’m not putting your wisdom teeth back in.
I overheard two female coworkers say there was a creepy dude listening to their conversation.
Rare footage of my parents on their way to school.
3yo: dad.
Me: why aren’t you sleeping?
3yo: I am sleeping.
Me: then why are we talking?
3yo: so I could tell you I’m sleepIng.
Me: you’re kind of creepy at night.
Parkour or plastic? *bounces away with your groceries*