Just gonna eat a cookie and reflect on this

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“there’s no word that contains all the vowels in order”, I said facetiously


“How can I help u, Bowser?”

I need a loan

“For ANOTHER castle?”

A flying castle

“U have like 24 already”



Kids: We’re bored!

Me: Why don’t you go play Uno and then fight when someone loses?


I get Botox so my face won’t show people what I really think.


All along the watchtower, people squinted and said “I told you we should have built a clock tower.”


I attend weddings purely to be fortunate enough to hear those two little words that always bring tears to my eyes – “open bar”


“Stop texting me. If I wanted to go on the second date, I wouldn’t have stolen all your jewelry.”


[neil degrasse tyson voice] the film is called Home Alone but thats actually a misnomer. in fact, kevin was joined in his home by 2 burglars


[spelling bee]

your word is ‘hors d’oeuvre’

“can you use it in a sentence?”

yes…’I bet this kid can’t spell hors d’oeuvre’


Ugh don’t you hate it when you accidentally leave the volume up on your phone & the next stall hears the *click* when you snapchat your turd