“just gonna move this somewhere so i don’t lose it”
famous last (known whereabouts) words
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I walk around in public saying “wait for me guys” so everyone thinks I have friends.
What happens when Christopher’s car breaks down?
Christopher Walken
thankfully, most bananas are boneless
I like how people say “manage your depression” like it’s a stock portfolio but you’re heavily invested in sadness
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
EXPLORER: so we found all this new land
KING: Sweet What did you name it?
E: Newfoundland
K[rubbing bridge of nose]: Guards, execute him
“Please use handrail. Or you know what? Go on, break your neck because you didn’t use the handrail just to spite me.”
-if my mom had been the recorded voice at the airport
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
I’m 32 never been married, no kids. Most people my age are married with kids. The older I get it is likely the man I marry will be a divorced dad. Satistically 80% of 2nd marriages with kids end in divorce. So what I’m saying is if you are looking for a 2nd ex wife hit me up.
IVE NEVER SEEN JERRY THIS MAD HFCMGDHKUDGKGXH
[Meeting]
CEO: as u can see [points to graph w laser] we-
BUSINESS CAT:[comes flying across table & just crashes right into a photocopier]
The audacity of my parents’ oldies station now playing 80s music.
Don’t tell your friend you like her sweater unless you mean it; she might knit you one.
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening their presents]
My ex-girlfriend had weekly lessons with the devil on how to become more evil. I still don’t know how much she charges him though
[wife walks in on me showering]
“Why are you wearing swim trunks?”
No reason.
[she glares at me]
SO MY TEMPORARY TATTOOS DON’T COME OFF OKAY
*tries to lasso the remote control with my Fitbit tied to a shoestring*
*Good Will Hunting*
Professor: are you the janitor who’s been solving the math equations?
me: [writing ‘80085’ on every chalkboard] yes?
Where’s the lie? 🤣🤣
I deserve a reward for backing out of my driveway without hitting one blade of grass, a sprinkler head, or a small tree.
Batman cuts off a seemingly innocuous driver in the Batmobile, only to deal with the driver later, with the help of Superman #ChangingBanes
Nothing says you’re failing as an Asian like your waiter discreetly handing you training chopsticks.
My doctor just asked me if I wanted a shot and I think I answered correctly because we are in a bar and this whiskey tastes really good
You can’t satisfy me in bed,
you’re not 7 pillows.
Tricks I can do with a skateboard
•look at it
•smell it
•rub the top
•fall off it if I stand on it
•spin the wheels with my fingers
•sell it
In my dream I see us all standing together, throwing away differences and rallying for the abolition of mayo escape-holes in loaf bread.
My family’s invaded my house for the weekend.
As a side note my dog’s been walked 18 times
Need special medicine for our son’s kidneys but we can’t afford it because we bought printer ink last week 🙁
me: omg why are you so obsessed with me
cop: because you ran over 4 people back there