Just googled “unsolved murders in my area” because I have some extra time and someone has to solve these cases.
You Might Also Like
Tony Hawk Pro Skater implies the existence of an evil, parallel dimension Tony Hawk Anti Skater.
Me: Waiter, check please!
Waiter: *checks under the table* No monsters, sir.
Me: Thank you.
it should be socially acceptable to just face the wall at a party when you need a break from talking
I don’t get vegetables on my pizza because I don’t like mixing business with pleasure
Googles discreet, motion-activated cameras so I can finally figure out who is drinking directly from the milk carton.
Only 2 more days till the day after tomorrow
[at a bar]
CUTE GIRL: *grabs my arm* hey there
ME: *mouth full of food* did you know a lobster on a kabob is called a kablobster
My neighbors have been calling for their cat for 15 minutes. I’ve been meowing out the window for 30.
when will chicken evolve to the point where they hatch already coated in 11 secret yet oh so delicious herbs and spices?
Me with a pronounced limp: *walks awkwardly
Me with a mispronounced limp: “Blimp.”
Reddit really can be a magical place sometimes
I stand in the tampon aisle and when a woman reaches for a box, I snicker and say “you’re gross”.
[first day working at a bakery]
Customer: can I get a-
Me (brushing crumbs from my mouth): we’re out
When you die, you walk down a tunnel of light and then that sentient paperclip from MS Word pops up and asks you what you want to do next.
Sometimes the trash takes out itself. Unfortunately, it usually runs its stupid mouth first.
TV: wanna watch a show about a white dude from Wisconsin?
Women: no
TV: he’s a serial killer who eats people
Women: WHY AM I NOT WATCHING THAT RIGHT NOW
A mummy comes back to life, and is disappointed to be desiccated and decayed.
“This was a better idea on papyrus”
Corn mazes should just be called maizes from now on
Genie: I want infinite bananas
Banana Salesman:
Genie: Do u see how annoying that is
I like my women like I like my eggshells: white and broken.
*out for dinner with friends*
Me: I’m going to need 5 desserts and 1 spoon.
Waiter: Don’t you mean 1 dessert and 5 spoons?
Me: You heard me.
Wife: My water broke!
Me: I’ll call the plumber
Wife: My baby’s coming!
Me: I’m sorry, since when is the plumber your “baby”?
My 7yo had £3 pocket money and decided that, more than anything in the world, she wanted to buy this secondhand doll. This sick, green doll. This nightmare doll, which is now affectionately named “Baby Ben.” If I am dead by morning, you know why.
[the year 2057]
iPhone 49: *reaches for some of my fries*
Me: No. if you wanted fries you should have ordered some
If a 4-year-old says, “I’m scared there’s a monster living under my bed” Don’t reply, “Oh, that’s where he’s been hiding.”
I know that now.
Planning to edit the three Hobbit movies into one watchable movie. Should I use Instagram or Vine?
Why would you waste money on a service that carries Game of Thrones when you could just absorb the plot of each episode as hundreds of furious live-tweets. I have been consuming the show in this fashion for at least four seasons, as a whale consumes krill.
[MURDER SCENE]
ME: It’s a pretty open and shut case, Chief
CHIEF: For the last time, stop admiring the luggage the victim was found in and take a DNA sample
My 5 year old is looking all over the house for his drumsticks but he won’t have any luck finding them without a shovel.
My husband just announced he cleaned the bathroom.
In related news, my husband doesn’t know the definition of either “clean” or “bathroom.”