Just got 30 minutes of cardio trying to pick up an ice cube from the kitchen floor.
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Passed a homeless guy begging on the sidewalk. Had a twenty in my pocket and asked myself “Do I want this twenty to be used for drugs or alcohol?” I thought “Absolutely not.” So I gave it to the homeless guy.
Someone in this world has consumed more mayonnaise than anyone else currently alive and they don’t even know it
painter: do you want to put down the burrito while I paint your portrait?
me: absolutely not
I was mowing the lawn, hit a small rock and it went flying and hit something to the side of me, I looked over and the neighbor’s car had a small dent, I was going to go tell him but then I thought no I better not, he may think I did it.
I’m doing zoom therapy at my mom’s house while she’s in the other room so I guess it’s dad’s fault today
Me: *sitting naked on the exam table*
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s my desk.
Me: What?
Doctor: Are you ready for your hearing test?
Good night everyone except the demon who invented loud cookie packaging
Big fight at Bible group. Jeff said Jesus was a liberal and Cheryl said Jeff gave her chlamydia
Guys, the best way to keep your SO happy is to let her think she’s smarter than you, if you’re on Twitter she probably is anyway.
Now that we’re divorcing,
I’m definitely not finishing that scarf I’ve been knitting you for nine years
A friend went on a cruise and when I asked how it went he said “well I didn’t throw up” and this is now my measurement of success for everything.
Architect: so for the bathroom-
Contractor: I’m thinking the most smooth, slippery tile imaginable
Architect: hell ya we want that baby to be a death trap
Every funeral is open-casket if you’ve got a crowbar and a sense of adventure.
If you call yourself a “cat photographer” and you are not a cat, gtfo
I need to go shopping for a new outfit. Anyone know who sells sizes OMFG and WTF happened?
me: good night darling. I’m so happy to be able to fall asleep next to you
my gf: *already rotating like a kebab to ensure maximum duvet theft*
Don’t worry when I get to heaven I’ll put in a good word for you guys
The kindergarten people are so short
-my kid, after one day of being a first grader
Get the body you always wanted this summer. Go grave-robbing.
My pronouns are she/her and my adjectives are problematic/overwhelmed
Dear ghosts,
If you can move stuff around and flicker lights then you can use a mop
I was very disappointed when I found out drinking alcohol doesn’t actually kill brain cells, I was hoping to join a political party one day.
Donkey Kong Country: Tropical Freeze (2014)
[1st Row at Beyoncé Concert]
Beyoncé: Who run da world?! *points mic at me*
ME: [having briefly heard the song once before] …squirrels?
Is there a button for “please show me more ads like this”???
I just changed all my passwords to “kenny”…
Now I have kenny logins.
#dangerzone
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
If my family starts talking politics at Thanksgiving I’m changing the subject by announcing I’m pregnant.
Running your mouth is not cardio.