Just got a cramp in my side so that’ll teach me for getting off the couch.
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Body: *sharp abdominal pain*
Me: Oh, God. Is that cancer? I bet it’s cancer.
Body: Are you gonna go to the doctor? If you’re worried it’s cancer let’s go get it checked out.
Me: No, I’m good.
I kept getting my shin badly grazed by the pedal of my bike when I was was a kid, that was one vicious cycle.
i never would have bought this abandoned lighthouse if i knew that the city wouldn’t let me drop watermelons from the top
hollywood loves making white people on tv eat chinese food directly from the container with chopsticks they can’t use so they just poke the food
I made a robot to help me argue on the internet
[on first date]
I’ll have an iced tea, please.
Waiter: Sure. Ummm…anything for the balloon with a woman’s face drawn on it?
Me, performing surgery:[stops midway and sticks both of my hands out to see which one is L-shaped for “left” ]
me: fancy a movie?
them: what do you have in mind?
me: “500 Days of Summer” maybe?
them: what’s it about?
me: August 2020
I hate it when people tell me to “stay in your lane!” Granted i’m drunk at the bowling alley, but it’s still uncalled for.
FRIEND: What’s your favorite underground band?
ME: Hmm…The Beatles
FRIEND: They’re not really considered underground
ME: Half of them are
When my pc crashes, I go to the guy with the most action figures in his cubicle for help.
When a 230 lb man yells from the shower for a towel, but you hand him a face cloth, he won’t find it nearly as funny as you do.
Hey people who say “they’re not wrong!”: there is a word for “not wrong.”
“Are we there yet?”
“ Ha ha! Yes, kids. We’ve been here the whole time! We live in this car now.”
Welcome to parenting. None of the pencils in your house have erasers on them now.
Judge, “Why are you holding a fire extinguisher?”
Me, “Your Honor, it’s for our protection. The witness won’t stop lying and I am afraid we may need this at any moment.”
I’m rockin the ‘Barbie doll’ look today.
No, I didn’t dye my hair blonde.
I did 4 pushups and now I can’t unbend my arms
Please allow children to believe in Santa. You believe in essential oils and no one is ruining it for you.
I’ll never understand why my children think pooping is a social activity.
Wildflowers are just regular flowers that go clubbing until 4 a.m. and snort coke off of each other’s tramp stamps.
Being popular on Facebook is like being the smartest kid in summer school.
Let me make something perfectly clear.
– Anyone who has washed a window
So tired of every man on dating apps saying they’re looking for someone spontaneous. Sir I have anxiety and a career I need a plan.
[1994]
dad: are you looking forward to Christmas
me: yes, i cant wait!!
dad: cool *slipping off wedding ring* how’d you like two of them?
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
BREAKING: Metropolitan Police have stated that whoever broke into Scotland Yard last night and locked all their case files in a picnic basket has seriously hampered their investigations.
10-year-old: What’s it like to be old?
Me: I don’t know. I’m still young and spry.
10: What’s it like to live in denial?
Was I outside watering plants when my food was getting delivered? Yes
Did I hide behind my house so the driver didn’t see me? Also yes
If you haven’t been to the Grand Canyon, I highly recommend it. It’s just gorges
“No, it’s not me” 😂💀