Just got a job opening demanding 13-18 yrs of experience in iOS development.
Do they realize that the platform itself is 8 years old?
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I confused the spatula with a flyswatter is why that is floating in your soup.
18yo is deliberately putting the cutlery in the wrong places in the drawer when he puts them away. So I’ve put some of his game discs in the wrong boxes. Let’s see who’s head explodes first.
I bet my doctor wasn’t expecting to say “Sir, that is not a toy” so many times today.
IM CRYING AT HIS REPLY
Coworker: I didn’t know you dip.
Me: *Puting a pinch of shredded cheese in my lip like chewing tabacco* Ugh, no. What a disgusting habit.
trying a new Pudding recipe:
– Milk
– Eggs
– Proof
– Butter
*Runs fingers over Braille calendar*
Is this a date? It feels like a date.
My houseplants watching me put water in the espresso machine
“I WAS SUPPORTING LOCAL BUSINESSES!” I screamed my scale.
I have one of those metal briefcases handcuffed to my wrist and inside…my grandmother’s meatloaf recipe.
If I wake and then I bake, I pray The Lord for chocolate cake. Amen.
Hey, did you know that if you leave clean clothes on the floor for long enough they become dirty clothes?
My brain: “Let’s do something adventurous today!”
My body: “Yeah, good luck with that.”
[Bending down with my hands on my knees]
“Where is your mother?”
~ me to anyone under the age of 30
A horror movie but the killer wears flip flops so there’s an ominous “thwip thwip” sound as he hunts you down.
My boyfriend thinks I ask “dumb questions” like “would you love me if I were a worm” and then turns around and asks me shit like do I think it would be funny if he started doing Patrick Bateman’s care routine as a bit
My sensitive skin moisturizer is sulking again
Why don’t we just number the days of the week, like:
Onesday
Twosday
Threesday
Foursday
Fivesday
Sixday
Sevensday
I put on pants like everybody else. Whenever there’s a knock on the front door
Has anyone else noticed when time travelers grab you buy your shoulders and ask what year it is and you tell them, they don’t reply, “then I’m not too late” anymore?
That’s kind of worrying.
The only time I miss masking is after I’ve eaten an Oreo
Haven’t seen Paranormal Activity 4 yet so PLEASE don’t tell me which lamp falls over.
Well, if anything, the Mayans DID teach us ONE valuable lesson.
If you don’t finish something…it’s really not the end of the world.
are those your eyebrows, or did you headbutt a box of Sharpies
[meeting with boss]
“I need you to go back and fix something that broke yesterday.”
“I DON’T EVEN HAVE A TIME MACHINE!”
I’m sorry I dropped your baby and doubly sorry I nudged it under the crib with my foot so you wouldn’t notice.
my kindergarten teacher taught me to always put glitter in cards when i mail them. in case you’re wondering why i’m so diabolical
Husband: Do you like it hard or soft?
Wife: You know I like it hard-parents passing taco shells on a wild Tuesday night