Just got a Life Alert bracelet. Now, if I get a life, I’ll immediately be alerted…
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I accidentally come home with a brand new car one time after taking our old one in for an oil change and all of the sudden I’m not allowed to make decisions anymore.
Are people with googly eyes better at searching for stuff?
This day in history. 1963. The Beach Boys released “Be True to Your School” but I wasn’t taking orders from 5 guys who shared 1 surfboard.
HBO decided to rename themselves “Max” instead of so many other solid guy names like “Kevin” or “Brian”.
Girl twin: mummy stop the car!!
Me: what happened?!
GT: stop the car!
Me: are you ok?!
GT: STOP THE CAR!!! *cries*
Boy twin: *cries*
Me: *stops car* what’s wrong?!!
GT: mummy!
Me: what is it?!
GT: oh it’s ok I couldn’t see my shoes but they’re on my feet
Me: *cries*
When I’m horny, I stroll into rooms on all fours, with my ass shaking up in the air, meowing incessantly until someone throws a shoe at me.
I miss when rubber gloves meant you were a serial killer and not a germaphobe.
I forgot all the Spanish I learned as a high school señor.
One day the mailman is going to murder my whole family and my dog will be like “Ha. Who needs to quit yapping and go lay down now?”
lil red riding hood: the Internet told me there are two wolves inside of you
granny: *sweating* haha what I don’t even have one haha who reads things on the Internet
How come when everyone else heats up sugar they get caramel and I get a higher fire insurance premium?
Relax lady, I don’t want your husband.
I just want the sandwich he’s eating.
My life has been so screwed up when there was supposed to be a fork in the road I found a spoon.
At this point, the only thing longer than 2020 is the story which my 7YO is narrating
Sean Swordd: mighty
Sean Penn: mightier
At 7:00am I dropped my nail file on the floor, so I squatted down to pick it up… And at 7:20am I finally got up!!!
list of casinos I need to burn down in order to prevent my credit score from going to the dogs: ceaser palace, trump cube, chuck e cheese,
*forgets Netflix password*
*sends email reset*
*forgets email password*
*sends reset to backup*
20 resets later:
*opens 2nd Netflix account*
Fellas,
If you kill a spider while you’re at her place, congratulations. You will be having sex.P.S. Bring a spider.
Pool party at my house… BYOP (Bring Your Own Pool)…
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
I can’t watch movies made before 1998 because the gas prices in the background of scenes make me too angry
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUTI like big buts.
I can not lie.
*picking up coins off the dance floor*
I knew I should have emptied my fanny pack before twerking.
A dollar doesn’t go as far as it used to.
Dollar (out of breath): Screw you.
“I love you. I’d do anything for you.”
-let me see your phone real quick
“You’re smothering me. I need some space”
I still won’t want to talk to you after coffee, it’s a beverage not a miracle
Still disappointed that a goblet is just a cup and not a miniature goblin.
I keep a notepad next to my bed so if I wake up with a great idea, I can write it down. Last night, I scribbled “fruit roll-ups,” and I’m not sure what it means, but I think I’m on to something brilliant.