Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t think The Proclaimers realized how far 500 miles really is.

“I like your skinny jeans, are they new?”

No, I bought them 15lbs ago

Sip of coffee for me, sip of coffee for my shirt.

I just spilled my last beer while reaching over to hit “ignore caller” on my phone. Why do bad things happen to good people?

You can pour up to 12 bowls of salad in your sweats before they kick you out of the Olive Garden.

People who like country: “I get it people don’t like country you can put whatever you want on”

People who don’t like country: “I swear if you put country on I will jump out of this moving vehicle run to the closest body of water and drown myself”

You can’t drink and drive. You can’t text and drive. You can’t smoke bud and drive. It’s like they expect you to just focus on driving.

For those who are Struggling with English:

Don’t = Do not
Won’t = Wo not

Follow me for more advice…

A zombie apocalypse sounds even worse when you consider all those smoke detectors beeping for battery changes.

[first date]
HER: So, do you like children?
ME: Oh sure, I’ll eat anything.
HER: What?
ME: What?

Dear water parks, what stops you from building an escalator to the swim slide?

#growingpains

work smarter, not harder

*pulls handle on slot machine
*prune
*prune
*prune
*diarrhea comes out

100% of all babіes are unemployed. Pathetіc.

some dogs can find bodies that have been buried for years & mine can’t even find a cracker that hit him in the face on the way to the floor

Biden: What if we paint the Mexican flag in the office
Obama: Joe, no
Biden: I already ordered the paint
Obama: Joe

I would like a mode of transportation that only allows me to travel a foot at a time with maximum effort requiring stellar balance.

*pogo stick inventor* I got you.

[trying to make small talk with the lady cutting my hair]
so what do you do for a living

Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?

Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]

writer: it’s based on a book

movie producer: ok

writer: about a boy who lived

producer: *yawns* boring. all boys live. can u leave

writer: *starts walking* ok but there’s a grumpy wizard hat

producer: wait

I walk around my yard with a fake ankle monitor so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids

so i guess the opposite of dateline would be friendzonesquiggle.

My uncle started shouting at me about my “misuse” of emoticons and had a heart attack 😉

My ATM password is four digits and my Twitter password is a complicated one because I wouldn’t want anyone to log in and post embarrassing tweets.

I once confused a tube of superglue with a tube of lube.
It was horrible.
My model plane kept slipping apart

Even my cats are sick of the snow..They meow to go out..I open the door..and they freeze and look at me like “WHY is this shit still here?”

Hilarious now that anyone thought it was a plot hole that after the events of Jurassic Park that people would dare

A) Re-open the park

B) Be eager to visit the re-opened
Park

I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.

The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.

ME: I’ll have an Irish Coffee

BARTENDER: Sure thing *drops a potato into a regular coffee*