Just got added to a list called “people.” Glad I made that cut.
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*walking my 5 year old back from the bathroom
Lady: Your grand daughter is so cute
Me: She’s my…. Thank you
One of our doctors has such good handwriting, I’m beginning to wonder if he’s really qualified.
Good cop: u want a drink?
Good cop 2: I love your shirt
Good cop 3: ur so ripped dude
Good cop 4: the bad cops are striking today, handsome
I was called a village idiot today which really upset me. I live in a city.
Teleportation seems like an awesome idea until Creepy Stan from down the street is suddenly washing your back in the shower.
Spider bucket list:
1. Eat flies
2. Don’t get squashed by a crazy screaming lady when all I’m doing is eating flies
3. Meet Peter Parker
Who’s soul do I have to sell in order for my eyeliner to come out even on both eyes?
Dean Martin: When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie
Neil deGrasse Tyson: I don’t even know where to begin with this
It seems that after checking my bank account, I need to turn to a life of crime
Look officer, he’s missing but I don’t remember what he was wearing. I’d need a mirror to tell you what I’m wearing.
“gravy is not a beverage.” ok well that’s why I was trying to drink it in the bathroom, so you wouldn’t see me
Avenge me but only if it’s convenient.
He’s been preparing for this moment his entire life 😂😭
“can we play our computers on the plane?”
bro, you and your sister can give each other face tattoos for all I care, just leave me alone
Autocorrect changed “decaffeinated” to “defecated”, and despite what my wife may claim, I’m pretty sure she knew what I wanted a cup of.
Pictures of dogs playing poker are amusing, but before you hang one on your wall just consider the feelings of inadequacy that your own, non-cardsharp pooch may feel when she sees it.
Who named it an army ant and not a combatant?
7-year-old: I don’t want mashed potatoes.
Me: They’re just like French fries.
7: Then give me French fries.
There’s a flaw in her logic, but I can’t find it.
That one onion ring didn’t end up in your french fries by accident. That’s Burger King’s way of flirting with you.
My husband annoyed me last night so I adjusted the toaster settings slightly this morning.
I shot a man in Reno just to watch him dry
(I used a water pistol)
*rubs lamp*
*genie comes out*
You get 3 wishes. Just no wishing for more wishes.
“I wish for more genies.”
I SAID NO WI- oooh, you’re good.
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a bilingual journalist to help, are they?
Flight attendant: We need a Spanish translator
Me: *puts book down*
Home Alone 2? Shame on you. Home Alone 3? Shame on me.
I hate camping with my English teacher friend because he insists we only use the perfect tents.
I thought my friends in their 60s were making love in the other room but they were just putting on their socks
If you Google “How do I stop receiving Pottery Barn catalogs?” the top result is a page with instructions for faking your own death.
10: Mom.
Me: What!! It’s late.
10: Beds are basically wireless chargers for humans.
“Dave, come check this out! The squirrel in that tree hasn’t moved in like three hours. It’s freakin’ weird.”