Just got an alert that my 9yo downloaded google slides, so I know some kind of presentation is headed my way
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Pineapple farms looks like someone said they were a pineapple farmer and got caught in the lie so just started chucking pineapples on the grass
[commercial for boiling water]
*enemies at castle wall are splashed with cool refreshing water*
castle guard: there must be a better way!
If you are single, just be patient. Your soulmate is almost done with their divorce papers 😉
gonna start calling my years long dry spell ‘sexual discipline’ so I don’t sound so pathetic
“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”
Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw
I think my favorite sammich is ice cream
When the teacher told my 5yo that America was below Canada, my son thought that if you dug a hole deep enough in Canada you’d get to America
[cat clinic]
CAT: I have insomnia
DR. CAT: How bad is it?
CAT: I haven’t slept in 20 minutes
DR. CAT: *is napping*
I may be a chaotic mess, but then so is quantum physics.
Do you have to go to the bathroom?
No
You sure?
Yes
How about now?
No
Now?
No
[movie begins]
Daddy?
FOR CRYING OUT LOUD
Monday: forearms
Wednesday: forearms
Friday: forearms
Sunday: forearms
–Popeye’s gym schedule
You are what you eat? I’m about to become sandals
Me: What did you do today while I was at work?
Dog: Me? Nothing. Just slept.
Me: I think you’re lying.
Dog: *visibly sweating* why do you say that?
Wife: whats that?
Son: I painted a picture of a cat
Wife: it’s very good
Me: if it was very good you wouldn’t have needed to ask what it was
Her: I can’t believe I just peed in a McDonalds parking lot!
Me: Stick with me sweetheart, the entire world will be your toilet…
Have you ever met someone and thought “wow where have you been all my life? Now if you could please just hurry back there that would be super”
[break room]
coworker: what’s for lunch?
me: [eating] food, generally
cw: no, I mean what are you having?
me: an unwanted conversation
Congrats to the “artist” who superimposed the face of King Charles onto a fingerpainting of a pomegranate.
My dog doesn’t even understand what I’m doing when I air guitar solos to metal ballads but she dutifully holds up her lighter.
The Grapes of Wrath 2: The Raisins of Revenge
The rats outside my apartment building are getting very bold. One of them just asked me for my number.
If by axe throwing, you mean throw all of my son’s body spray in the trash because he uses it so much, then yes I’ll go axe throwing with you.
Has anyone ever had a polite awakening?
*holding a hose*
Husband: What are you doing?
Me: I’m spraying anyone who steps on our property.
Husband: Isn’t your family coming over?
Me: *grins* In 7 minutes.
of course babies cry when flying, their entire understanding of planes centres around them being eaten
Some of you act like your mom never went out of town and left you with a babysitter, but the babysitter died and you had to get a job as a fashion designer and become caretaker to your 4 siblings, all while you fell in love with the delivery guy from Clown Dog… and it shows.
I locked myself out of my office twice already today. I guess Mercury definitely in rubbermaid.
it’s always a fun time when a wrong number texts you
Preemptively looking in the fridge to see if my wife might need anything from the store in order to decide if I’m going to let her know that I’m going to the store or just sneak out.