Just got an email from dominoes said “easy and delicious” they sure know how to talk to a single guy!
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Met a cute guy named Jack.
I grabbed his hand and dramatically said, “I’ll never let go, Jack!”
He quickly left. It’s okay though. My heart will go on.
Why would I want guest towels? That’s like an invitation.
Tried to take a drink of water while lying flat on floor and was immediately reminded of my place in the universe.
[Having a tea party]
Kid: *takes sip, spits it out*
Me: Oops, I gave you the wrong one! So sorry that’s Mommy’s “tea”
Friend: Okay dating is really easy. You just have to act super natural
*later on date*
Me: *napkin on head* ooOOOooOo
I have never laughed so hard in my LIFE
Finished christmas shopping for my entire family.
*walks out of pharmacy*
bought candy at the movies and suddenly i can’t pay this months rent anymore
ME: I’m giving you to the count of three
SON: does he have a castle?
Me: What’s for dinner?
Her: Chinese.
Me: I will make the Duck Sauce.
*catches duck
*fires up juicer
If I wash a load of dishes everyday all of my dishes stay clean
If I skip one day I have 7000000000 loads of dishes the next day.
How?
kids will lie to you then straight up tell you they were joking like no my dude jokes have a punchline not a line of ants coming from a kool-aid puddle
People on Twitter are like “My fake kid can out debate your fake kid on whatever world issue is currently fake popular!”
PRO SURVIVAL TIP: Don’t go through that door that mysteriously opened all by itself in that 300 year old hotel with a tragic past.
just found out Mr. Miyagi’s first name was Trent, I hate hollywood
I should probably try harder to find a mail-order-bride before the post office shuts down completely.
But that’s my emotional support bin of clothes that are too small for me now.
{first time watching golf}
why do these guys hate that egg so much?
If you’re not sure about having kids, have someone say “Mom!” 100 times before 7am & see if it’s right for you.
cashier: paper or plastic
me: it’s a debit card
cashier: no for your milk
me: oh haha liquid’s fine
this post was so formative to me
I don’t get angry at my husband when he annoys me. I just drink his favourite Scotch.
tried to blow dust off my phone and spat all over it
so yeah, i’m adorable
If you ever feel stupid just know that I once cried bc I thought I ran over a crow but it was just a black work glove that was already dead.
Idiots are fun, no wonder every village wants one.
If you ever feel unattractive, just remember that you look like your ancestors, and Hey, All of them got laid.
I JUST WANT A JOB WHERE I CAN SIT ABSOLUTELY STILL AND IF ANYONE DISTURBS ME I GET TO SCREAM
Car commercials are so insane, like hey we’re going to the mountains to chase owls in our kia sorento, alright take it easy penelope.
The subtext of Moby Dick, The Rime of the Ancient Mariner, and most of Conrad is that you should never make eye contact with a retired sailor because he’s just waiting to tell you some interminable story about his time at sea.
My wife always accuses me of having a favourite child. It’s not true, I love Matthew and Not-Matthew equally.