Just got an email from dominoes said “easy and delicious” they sure know how to talk to a single guy!
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A woman on the subway asked if anyone wanted to turn their life over to Jesus Christ today. She seems nice but if you don’t believe in God, I don’t think the New York City public transportation experience is going to convince you.
Eight maids a-milking
Seven swans a-swimming
Six geese a-laying
Five onion rings
Four calling birds
Three french hens
Two turtle doves, and
A partridge in a pear tree….Dwayne Johnson: Yup, that’s today’s meal prep done!
Long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
Letters from overnight camp be like:
-I am having the best time
-I hate camp I want to come home
-I never want to leave ever
-Please come get me
-Can I extend
If you believe you can pass a drug test by drinking large amounts of water, you’re just diluting yourself.
me at 14: can’t wait to travel the whole world once i’m earning my own money
me now: mustn’t forget that tupperware at work, it’s my only one
People are always saying “not today, Satan” but what if we just hear him out
Email from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Voicemail from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Text from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Receptionist from the dental office in my kitchen during breakfast on Friday: You have an appt today at 2 pm
google maps should not count towards my screen time. i’m not addicted to my phone im disoriented
If your kid complains about how bored they are during winter break put a cape on them and say, “Now you’re super bored!” and then fly away.
“found you on “i found you on
instagram” twitter”
My husband and I are having a Fitbit competition, so every day when he leaves for work I attach mine to our dog. I’m averaging 25,438 steps a day.
Hallelujah started playing at church today
Kid behind me: mom this is the Shrek song
Thank god there is still hope for the next generation.
Announcer: “Welcome to the Super Bowl 50 Halftime Show. Are you ready to rock?!”
[crowd goes nuts]
A: “Well too bad, here’s Coldplay”
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I have used a condiment from my parents’ fridge without checking the expiration date
Bitcoin. Toothurt.
Most bags of sand live a tough life stopping floods. But some, the lucky ones, live a leisurely life tied to the basket of a hot air balloon
If a bear attacks you, play dead. Ok good, you’re about to feel like this forever
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
my kid: hold my cheerios
my kid: *drops cheerios*
A few years ago I began putting away a dollar everytime I wrote a good tweet about hedgehogs.
I need a new financial plan.
Why did they call it an Amazon wishlist and not an ‘Oughttobuyography’.
The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks to hide their identities from all the other walking and talking turtles
A good response to any question is “what do you plan to do with this information”, especially at a McDonald’s drive-through
If you have a flip-phone, you are probably an undercover cop.
The weather is so hot that it gave me the wrong phone number.
I once had a broken tooth repaired in France. I still chew with a slight accent.
Hear me out. A special line at the airport for people who understand the concept “empty your pockets”