just got an email from HR that there will be no winners for the quarterly employee appreciation award because everyone who was nominated in the last three months has quit
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Lost the library card. Been missing over a month.
Went and got a new library card.
Came home, put library card in a safe place and found old library card in the same spot.
Size doesn’t matter? Have you SEEN my coffee mugs?
I’m laughing way harder than I should for this image.
How is it that tomato sauce can stay hot for 16 hours but bath water can only stay hot for 48 seconds?
me: [in bed, hears a weird noise] wtf was that?!
dracula: [bursts out of my closet]
me: did you hear that too?!
dracula: yeah wtf was that?!
Grapefruit – for when you want your food to taste like getting beaten up
Me: *lifts couch cushion*
6yo: what are you looking for?
Me: six thousand dollars
[inventing the grinch] santa needs a wario
[date]
HER: *staring into my eyes* Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *daydreaming about dogs on trampolines* Just you, girl.
When your girlfriend comes home in a white suit, covered in bee stings and smelling like honey.
You know she’s a keeper.
The mystery is not do spiders poop.
The mystery is where do spiders poop.
I’m not saying I don’t like people… but if someone walks toward me in a library, I’ll plug my headphones into the book I’m reading.
Wife: he has no sense of adventure. he even refuses to ride a roller coaster
Therapist: go on
Me: oh so you’re taking her side now
my wife wants to take the kids out which would be great except she wants me to go too
me: good morning, Linda
Linda, my co-worker who backpacked through Europe: Not as nice as the sunrises you can see looking out from Venice
When I want something a little healthier than an ice cream sandwich, I usually go for an ice cream salad.
I planned to leave my body to the local medical school for them to train on and practice with, but the students successfully petitioned against it as a gross violation of their human rights.
aliens probably fly past earth and lock their doors
Married conversation is like regular conversation except you’re both brushing your teeth.
Sitting here reminiscing about the 3 times I went to the gym in 2019.
“No i’m clearly not in a position to be giving you advice right now”
*gets down from doing a headstand*
“Ok, lay it on me”
Me: you say your dog’s a boxer?
Friend: yeah
Me: [eyes narrow] how does he lace his gloves up?
Nowadays pictures are more filtered than water.
I was asked to babysit once but it didn’t go very well.
You’re not meant to sit on them.
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Alexa: I’ve found one zoo near you with monkeys.
going around my neighborhood with my Easter basket to collect eggs but most people have been downright rude about it and what eggs they do give me aren’t even dyed
everyone on the saturday night live thing pronounced it sarynyelive
Goldilocks taught me that you can get away with breaking into a brown family’s home and stealing their food, as long as you’re a white girl.
murderer: run if you want to live
me: *starts sprinting*
murderer: not like toward me tho
me: goth goose. gothic goose. goosic. no wait… gooth
teacher: it’s already called a vulture