Just got asked to promote something on my Twitter. I laughed. My followers would hate that! I was so mad I had to cool down with a Pepsi™
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“Our toes look nothing like that!” – Camels
Pepsi and Coke can’t even be in the same restaurant together and society wants us all to get along. Pffftt.
If Die Hard isn’t a Christmas movie why do I spend the holidays hiding in the vents of my workplace?
CW: What’s for lunch; smells good!
Me: Well I made lasagna last night but lost a fingernail in it & haven’t found it yet.
CW:
Me: *smirks*
Passer-by: hey buddy, do you have change for the phonebox?
Clark Kent: why would I change in a phonebox?
P: I didnt-
CK: I’m not Superman
Sorry, ma’am. I’m a solid 4 1/2. You’re an 8. You’re out of my league.
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
Unexpected Judgment
Even if you don’t pay, they’ll usually let you go through a car wash at least once a day without a car.
My gyno has to use a car jack instead of a speculum
[explaining why we got fat]
Friend: I had a baby
Me: I had a donut
Absolutely destroyed my bed last night… I cuddled those covers so hard
To the raisin I just beat to death with my shoe..
Eww! I thought you were a spider.
Eww! Someone’s bringing raisins in my house.
cant believe language was invented. like everyone was chill and quiet and then one day someone just started saying some shit
Now tell me how old your baby is in HOURS.
cop: if i were you i wouldn’t leave town
me: but if you were, what bus would you take
I didn’t even know Canada existed until Twitter.
Sexy lingerie is for single folks… cause when you married, and you gotta fold that shit, it loses all of its appeal… I’m over here struggling, makin a buncha thong balls… these joints is harder to fold than a fitted sheet… #SaturdayMorning
A simple turtleneck can hide all manner of candy necklaces.
Husband: *bleeding*
Me: *calling 911*
Husband: Well, Well, Well. Look who’s on her phone again.
[pronounces lasagna like bologna]
*Workers at the pinball factory trying to go home, but the automatic swinging doors keep knocking them back inside*
Due to the weather, I was able to use the words “wet and slippery” at work all day without anyone thinking I’m a big perv.
Twitter: You have 87 notifications
Me: Nice
Gmail: You have 7 emails
Me: Oh FOR THE LOVE OF CHRIST
I saw my therapist’s notes and instead of using my name he just refers to me as “the combatant”
ME: Okay, going out of town for 4 days, so I need 4 days of clothes.
MY BRAIN: Cool, cool cool cool… What if you actually need every shirt you’ve ever owned tho?
Me, anytime I see someone with a dog in a stroller:
what’s wrong with your baby
“This was the only way I could speak with you in private. That human woman? She’s trying to kill you.”
Inventor of beer: This will change the world.
Inventor of beer, after having kids: [invents vodka]
Single: Knows all the bars in a 10 mile radius.
Married: Knows all the restaurants in a 10 mile radius.
As a parent: Knows all the bouncy places in a 10 mile radius.