just got divorced on zoom in a dunkin donuts, the way the lord intended
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Me handing out pamphlets in front of church: “Have you heard the good news?”
Passer-by: “Sorry. I’m Jewish”
*Me wondering why everyone keeps telling me their religion instead of taking my pamphlet detailing how I finally got laid last night: “That’s cool too, I guess.”
me w/kids:
Don’t tell anybody where you learned that.
KID: Dad?
DAD: Yes, son
KID: What is the true meaning of Easter?
DAD: Well my boy, when someone wants to go very, very East they g-
KID: Never mind
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food to them
“Wanna hear a joke?”
“Alright then.”
“What’s the difference between a toilet and a fridge?”
“I don’t know,”
“You’re disgusting.”
Me: *bleeding to death after being stabbed*
Helpful Person: Don’t worry, we’re gonna get you some help. Are you registered to vote?
I lose bobby pins in my hair. Please don’t ask me to babysit your kids.
Ancient proverbs say “Nobody sleeps when the cat’s bowl is empty”.
Every once in a while I’ll be driving while not eating and think, “Wow, this is way easier.”
this is 10/10 content no notes
A large group of other people’s children is called a “Nope”.
If my skinny friend keeps complaining that she’s fat, I may have to throw one of my breakfast donuts at her.
Priest: do you take this woman
Me: I do
[Liam Neeson glares from the pews]
Me: -not
I invited Alan over for dinner.
“Alan Jacobs? Or Alan who thinks he’s Captain America?”
*a badly painted bin lid smashes through the window*
is frankincense just very honest incense?
I put construction worker experience on my resume because I’ve done build a bear several times.
Check out this image, then fill in the blank:
“All these two cared about was ____________”Finish the sentence here:
📷: elevasseur
Mrs goat: I’m pregnant
Mr goat: You’re kidding
Mrs goat: Literally yes
A friend wants us to do something tonight and I asked her to name 5 things so I could say no to 4 of them.
What idiot named it balding & not vanishing into thin hair
I don’t really ask for much, just good health and happiness. Oh, and a tater tot as big as my head.
ballet teacher: “The girls tell me you’re going to a country that doesn’t allow children?”
Yes. I’m in my parenting powermove liar liar pants on fire era.
Just heard that someone has started digging Fidel Castro’s grave..
Must be a communist plot.
Me (remembering that girls like cute things): do you like peppa pig?
Date:
Me (remembering girls like tough guys): I killed her
Potential serial killer in Stockton, CA. Be on the look out in the Stockton area and in California as a whole. Watch this video to see what we know! Important!! But also watch this ad first
I’m deleting some dumb tweets.
I need all your passwords please.
My mom called and gave me the weekly weather report. I can’t wait to do this to my kids.
it’s dangerous to go alone, take this
wife: “this is really your idea of an anniversary present?”
me: [on the other walkie talkie] “you didn’t say over, over”